"Grow up!" - Thurston Moore & My Mom

Chevy: We'll Outlive Everything You Love.

You get a whole five minutes of entertainment out of those things? That amazes me.

Gwyneth Paltrow the person I always liked. Gwynthe Paltrow the brand is an asshole.

I hate to break this to you, but you're not old. I've seen old, and 58 isn't it. But then I've been listening to my mother call herself old for all 43 years of my life. Know what's old? Listening to a non-old person constantly say they're old.

Cosmo's biggest sex secret they don't want you to know!: Get some Armor All and a shammy and buff that penis. BUFF IT HARD UNTIL IT SHINES. He'll love it!

I'm not hopeful that anything will happen. They'll each serve like 30 days and Bravo will give them their own spinoff show focusing on what their life is like as convicted felons.

Know what would make the Oscars more entertaining and interesting? If there weren't awards given out ALL THE TIME. It feels like once the Oscars are over, the next award season begins. It never ends. Matthew McConaughey was nominated 27 times for Dallas Buyer's Club and already walked into the Oscars with 12 wins for…

I also lack a white penis to casually put inside black women. WHAT DO I DO?!

One time I fell while hiking in the woods. I wondered...did anyone hear me?

"You never hear about blogs anymore" got 80 favorites. 80! I'm sure that's the only reason it was included here, and it's lame.

The very first thing out of my mouth this morning was "Goddammit, white people," so I appreciate your gif very much.

I can't tell if you're joking in response to my joke. Damn this inability to discern sarcasm without visual cues!

Next up, the government will finally update average family sizes and drop that .5. WHO IS THIS HALF PERSON IN ALL THESE FAMILIES.

I can see it now.

Love is dead forever...again!

I imagine him beginning to go at it with vigor only to have her naked body flash in his mind leaving him sitting on the toilet like Sad Keanu.

Exceptions based on news-worthiness of the photos? Well then, People Magazine will simply change the definition of news-worthy so that they can continue showing fascinating pictures of celebrity children crossing the street or getting out of a car.

Me too. I think we should hug.

Oh goddammit, Adam Baldwin.