I understand that long hair is some sort of prized sign of femininity, but when I'm out in the real world I see most long hair pulled back. Ponytails everywhere. And then I find myself wondering how often their hair isn't pulled up off of their face and neck, because I have mine pulled back 90% of the time. I'd go…

Wait, so all Occupy Wallstreet had to do was dress up like Santa Claus to really get at those rich white people? God, that would have saved so much time.

I just got back from the future and wanted to share what I found: "Researchers found that talking endlessly to children made them mentally shut down at an early age. When asked, one kid replied, "God, would you just shut the fuck up already? Stop talking at me!"

No one ever says, "I want a girl who will reign me in a little bit, because I am TOO AWESOME. Really, all my giving and philanthropy and volunteering makes me feel too connected to the world around me." It's always, "Man, I suck. I need someone to force me off my ass and make me the person I've always wanted to be."

"Hey! What's this do?" poke poke poke

Most of the nails were already in that coffin when I saw them on Couple's Therapy and Doug simply couldn't give her any space. He was so clingy and needy and I told my husband that the first taste of freedom she got she was going to be out of that marriage so fast The Flash would wonder what whizzed past him.

"Dammit Cartman, stop saying hella!"

It feels like RiRi has been on tour for five years. Maybe she's skipping and cencelling shows because even she's sick of it.

Jennifer Garner? A most valuable star of 2013? She hasn't had a notable role since Juno and that was in 2007. See, they were just throwing white actors on that list to make it to 100.

My parents tend to latch onto whatever "health study" fits their lifestyle. When the Red Wine Is A Health Miracle! first hit the news they insisted that red wine was good for us and then they'd pound three bottles every night. One day I said to my dad, "You also like the study about garlic being heart healthy but…

And anyone named Bear who overcomes those knee-jerk obstacles to become a heart surgeon will absolutely get to operate on me. That's what *I'm* saying. Because his intelligence and his grades and his steady hands got him there, regardless of what people thought of a name his parents gave them when they were young,…

If he didn't care about what people thought of his name because he knew who he was as a person and what he wanted to do with his life, then yes. Why not? What kind of pussy says, "I really want to help people and I have a knack for biology and want desperately to be a doctor...but my name is dumb, so instead I'm going…

If he's a talented heart surgeon who can save my life, his name could be Toilet for all I care.

Maybe he'll marry Eyelet and they'll have a baby Eyeore Bunderblast Colostomy.

Fuck it, I'm Cherokee too. My dad once had a very vivid dream that he was a Native American warrior and was drowned by an enemy tribe, so that makes us Cherokee, right? I'm also claiming relation to Mary Queen of Scotts which gives me a Double Princess Bonus. BOOM! In your face, Ireland!

You say "cocaine-fueled Vegas party" and somewhere Terry Richardson is dropping his pants. He doesn't immediately know why, but in his lizard brain knows someone has spoken his language.

If you ask my dad, born in 1945, we freed ourselves from our alien overlords with a good old fashioned rebellion and then BAM it was the 1950s and women wore form-fitting skirts to the office and men listed to The Beatles and cars weren't made out of plastic and Wonder Bread was the greatest invention ever. IT WAS THE…

The Book of Jezebel: E is for Everything Lena Dunham Says is Brilliant

My dad almost became a priest, then he met my mother. He left the church because when he wanted to marry her in his beloved church they told him absolutely not. Because she was divorced with three kids. He thought that was bullshit and now enjoys pointing out all of the Bible's contradictions to dinner guests.