I will never understand how homosexual people living their lives in monogamous relationships are "destroying families" like gay Godzillas just stomping around, crushing heterosexual family units under their big scaly feet. Or something.

Who gives a shit what any of us thinks about anything? When the apocalypse comes (after which humanity can only be saved by a plucky teenager with a destiny) none of what any of us thinks will matter. Except for that plucky teenager, who is also stuck in a love triangle.

All of this "vagina refers to inside and outside lady parts" business on Oprah and her ridiculous "Va-Jay-JAAAYYYYY" nonsense.

I was about to say that I thought 2012 was the worst thing ever. It was the movie that wouldn't end. I can still hear myself yelling, "Just END already! Why won't this thing end?!"

Remember that episode of Friends when Ross wore the leather pants? Yeah. That's what's going to happen to this guy when he starts sweating in a fight.

Not every popular book should be made into a movie. I have no idea how they're going to make this happen.

Yeah...one grandmother died when I was a child so I didn't know her. My other grandmother was a God-fearing, teatotalling, racist, rock music-hating woman who referred to sex as a "duty." It wasn't hard to do something she disapproved of. Open toed sandals after school started? I may as well have been wearing halter…

Yes! The only reason he was nice to her was because he realized the way to "win her heart" was to play the hopeless, ageless romantic. Because she's a sucker. That bullshit about loving her for thousands of years before she was born won him a ride in Magic Fairy Graveyardland.

It was the very first thing I said to my husband and all my True Blood watching friends online. Her mom totally gave her Hep V.

Does my inability to concentrate and fully understand the article mean I'm developing Alzheimer's? I found my mind wandering every time an acronym was introduced. Which was a lot. Dammit Jim, I'm not a doctor!

Bearpocalypse. Bearnami. Or, my favorite: Sinkhole Full Of Bears!

Celebrity twitter feuds are so boring, and this one smells as bad as a four-day-old Lady Gaga meat suit.

"Everything was dandylions!"

I eventually joined the Stepford Society and I've been straining at its confinements ever since. Right now all I want to do is set my front lawn on fire.

So some of that anyone with eyes should notice. The rest...if someone buys that place without an inspect then they get what they deserve. Sorry you can't afford to live somewhere better. That sounds horrible.

We weren't able to get a mortgage for our house without an inspection, so you don't necessarily have to say anything. But you can't sabotage your current landlord into not selling their own property just because you don't want to buy it yourself or eventually have to move. If there's so much wrong with it and you hate…

Is that new though? Because it sounds really familiar, like one of the accusations Dodi's father made years ago. I thought he's long maintained that they were taken out by the British government because of their relationship and wanted to get married.

Eating potato chips while reading all of this feels like a giant "fuck you" to The Industry. Now I fear they're going to come for me and make my death look like an accident.

Doesn't she already have a nanny?

I have no interest in breasts. I'd prefer to see less of them, because not only are they everywhere I look, but I live with a pair. I don't see the big deal about them. But a man's body? Yes please. I'm 110% heterosexual, I guess.