I don't know what you're talking about. I have vaginas I swap out like days-of-the-week underwear. Today I'm utilizing Saturday, because I'm a rebel like that.

Solidarity!

My mother has been talking to me about her diet for 30 years. I finally responded to one of her emails with "eat what you want, who cares?!" If she sends me one more Pillsbury low-fat recipe I'm going to kill myself.

And that's why you deserve to suffer. Because a lot of innocent people had to die to make your costume fantasy possible, you bastards.

Advertisers are missing the opportunity to sell us bags full of salad, cereal, yogurt and chocolate that we mix together so we can get all of our girly foods in one bowl. Hell, throw in some diamond dust, too. Cuz we love diamonds too amiright?

See? This is what happens when I'm trying to do three things at once. Hello reading comprehension!

Because not all women are made the same, nor are all men made the same. The way I think and problem-solve has more to do with how I was raised and my life experiences than my gender. For someone to tell me that I like to get to the root of every problem no matter how minuscule because of my lady brain is a little…

How about this, Dove: How many pictures of me do there need to be? I'm sure if I went missing my husband would be able to find a good half-dozen pictures to help identify me, and that's without my phone being full of bathroom selfies. Because not documenting every 5 minutes of my life is actually normal.

I think I've got the J'Anthrax, pop! *cough cough*

I think you're onto something with the were-iguanas. Maybe a bunch of were-iguanas come to town and pick a fight with Alcide, only the were-iguanas spit acid and they decimate Alcide's pack while they're having one of their orgy raves. Then after awhile Sookie asks, "Hey, whatever happened to Alcide?" and Jason…

I think it's insulting to treat older white women like they're morons. They're not dumb. So let's stop treating them like doddering dullards who don't understand that social norms have changed. They know. THEY KNOW. They're not magically trapped in that long-ago world they grew up in.

Yeah, I'm grasping at straws here.

Maybe it was some sort of bizarre character test and he failed because he let her say the n-word all night without once checking his balls and saying "This is not okay."

I'm torn between saying, "That's enough, Miley Cyrus" and feeling sorry for her because she has such a lack of self-identity that she has to swallow an entire culture and regurgitate it to feel connected to something.

You mean there's still a chance they named her North?

If it’s half-closed, interrupt me for important things — for instance, if my wife needs my card to go get some groceries

Siri is going to become a lot less fun when instead of helping me find interesting spots for body disposal she just dials the police.

I once watched a brother and sister find a dead bat, pull it apart and eat it. I never played with them again. I've sometimes wondered if any of the sibling Law & Order "ripped from the headlines" episodes were about them.

One of the best gifts my husband and I received was from his primary care physician. He wrote us a prescription for a happy marriage. Still have it framed.