Russell Wilson is the regular flavored ice cream of sports. He’s a pleasant drive through Vermont. He’s that feeling you get after that foot cramp goes away. Fuck that guy.

What the holy hell is this asshole saying? I don't understand.

I’d wear the hell out of this dress.

Getting hard to find Cage-Free Prison Fish tho, TBH.

I just created an amazing blt. Now it's creating some gas.

Shades of OITNB.

I have never been prouder to be an American.

Have you ever seen Snowden and Scissorhands in the same place tho.

How do you Canadians consistently gain access to our American website pages???

as with all other explanations of frat/sorority culture I am like

SOUNDS LIKE SHE KISSED A GIRL AND DIDN’T LIKE IT

You have a “bedroom” towel? Where do you put it when not in use? Did you put a towel rack by/in your closet? Why isn’t your bathroom towel up to the task of completely drying you off?

Let me guess. Your wife does the laundry. Right? I ask because of this:

I was with you until your weird three-shells towel sesh. Separate towels is overkill.

Congressman John Duncan, just now: “Surely you don’t expect us to be easier on you just because you’re a woman.”

Yeah she is pretty fucking skinny. She needs to shut up and then shut up again:

Fox News is entering Bond villain territory at this point.

I feel so vindicated right now: