I taught my son how to fart into a balloon using a straw and two pipe cleaners.

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Great. Just when you thought movie tickets weren't expensive enough, wait until they all go 4D.

If that thing's full of bottles, I bet you could at least a free beer's worth of backwash, too.

Those vintage cameras tried to steal my soul. In Florida, I'm legally allowed to murder them.

Coral sex is leading to an epidemic of mouth and neck cancers in young people, too.

I prefer my .45s in 16x9.

While this is impressive for a toy car, I've trained my dog to jump thirty-one feet. And before all you Pyrenees Jumping Dog fanbois jump down my throat saying it's no big deal, Hercules is a schnauzer.

I've taken the time to shackle each of my sperm while I'm on sabbatical from my teaching job. I sell my home-forged shackles on Etsy.

This makes me think of my first girlfriend. I STILL LOVE YOU, DIANE.

Of course, you hear no mention here of the risk of ten-story fire-breathing lizards, demonstrating once again Gizmodo's pro-radiation, anti-gojira bias.

My God, how I miss college.

[www.sadtrombone.com]

The cell phone I carry has been smashed to bits with a hammer, representing the crushing conformity of modern-day life.

@Gordonium: In the right circumstances, I would pay to.

@Meadhawg: It's important to get a baseline.

I used to take TRIM21. I lost 35 pounds, but my urine turned green, and tasted all sulphur-y.

I thought a kilogram was the amount of cocaine one was allowed to bring through airport security.

Hey, that'd go GREAT in my don't-give-a-shit chamber!

@Priper: There was a pun in there?