"...Mother Jones wondered whether Angle would repudiate that organization's leader..."

I often send my poolboy, Ramon, on library errands for me. It's amusing to me, because the only words he understands in English are "palm fronds," "hot cocoa," and "mai tai."

Believe me: it's remarkably effective as a suppository, too.

My poolboy, Andres, once got so drunk on Mai Tais that the only way I could revive him was to squeeze his testicles and yell, "La migra! La migra!"

I have nothing to hide from advertisers. It's no secret I enjoy coconut oil and poolboys, and that my favorite movies are Beaches and Stargate.

Someone should give this O'Reilly his own show.

Driverless? I employ three people in my car at all times: one to steer, one to operate the pedals, and my poolboy, Liam, who fans me with palm fronds and massages my prostate.

@FearMage: FWIW, my wife got me an astronaut pen as a Christmas gift a few years ago. After pointing out to her the fact that I'm, you know, Jewish, I tried to figure out what the hell the point of it was.

Jesus Christ. I get the spins just downing a Bartles & Jaymes poolside whilst being palm-fronded by Vince, my pool boy.

Holy God. The wind blew the gnarly into that guy's teeth.

I can sum up my wish-list in four simple words: tabs, tabs, motherfucking tabs.

I'd like a handjob and a six pack of Guinness. That has little to do with Apple, though.

How 'bout a battlemodo between these and my crabs?

@Platypus Man: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not get ahead of ourselves with all this "new friends" talk.

@Platypus Man: Was this just a clever ploy to get people to write to you?

Whatever happened to good, old-fashioned paying-illegal-immigrants-to-stand-over-you-with-palm-fronds?

On the other hand, if I claim my douchebag quotient is down 23%, and I've roofied 39% fewer traveling businessmen, I'm still a businessman-raping douchebag.

Weird. I just hired a new senior vice president dedicated to telling me how awesome I am.

Two questions:

Sorry. I meant the 2006 SuckFest.