Obviously some turtles cheat and cut holes in their blindfolds.

But, will audiences like the re-write, in which the perpetrator turns out to be a couple middle-aged Vietnamese men who can only be defeated by repeated beatings?

Slow 2013 Marathon Runner #1: "Hey, I hope that Mark Wahlberg never has reason to make a movie about this race."
Slow 2013 Marathon Runner #2: "What the fuck? That's a really fucking strange and random thing to say!"
Both Slow 2013 Marathon Runners: [approach finish line]
Slow 2013 Marathon Runner #1: "I just get the…

Wouldn't it be funny if, actually, habitable planets are almost ALWAYS only found in binary systems. Maybe ours is a fluke because Jupiter was so big it caused the same effect (whatever that would be in my hypothetical) and there are all these alien civilizations whose scientists are publishing articles about how "it…

As a kid I shaved the chocolate butterfingers to make them "chicken nuggets" and scooped some ice cream as "mashed potatoes" for my dad when he got home from work.

At some point in history my kids got possession of fake dog shit that looks troubling real. They use it often and it has been an April Fool's staple in the past. This morning I went into the bathroom and saw it on the floor, Ha Ha real original guys. It was only after I'd picked it up with my bare hand I realized…

If Corbin Sr. were here he'd tell the story of how Junior sharpie penned a full beard on him while sleeping the night before April fools. He'd also tell you about the terrible April fools morning he had trying to remove it with iron wool while preparing for a job interview after being unemployed for 1 year.

My 1.5 year old smelled like she crapped her diaper.

My son was born on April 1st and that little disappointment continues to be the cruelest prank the universe has ever played on me.

"What must Jameis prove?"

Now if NASCAR would only address its race problem.

Jenkins testified that she had previously seen a gun in a "junk drawer" at her and Hernandez's house, and later noticed that it had been moved after she gave Hernandez a "stern look" expressing her displeasure with the gun's location.

Christian Scientists believe in Christ/Christianity, but don't believe in inoculation or preventative medicine. These are the kinds of people who get tried for manslaughter for not allowing their sick children to go to a doctor, but even then, they are observably less crazy than Scientologists.

Scientology tracks down people who bad mouth and will try to intimidate them in any way possible. They look down on forms of modern medicine, and that has costed many "members" their lives. They also shun people who leave the church, making it so these people can't contact their families anymore (usually still in the…

Fuck that. I don't care what people believe, but I also believe in exposing fraud. Just as my birth church deserves every goddamn joke and hateful thought for generations of child raping and protecting child rapists, these fucking criminals deserve every goddamn thing thrown their way. It's an OBVIOUS Ponzi scheme —…

Yeah, no, some things are just so completely ridiculous as to be perfectly warranted of public ridicule. If an organization went around claiming the earth was flat or the moon was made of cheese, the response would not be "well, you have the right to your own beliefs on things", it would be well-deserved mockery.

Drew Magary was my favorite writer.

Countdown until Goodell makes the Clearsound Listening System the only NFL-approved warm-up audio player.