I believe it was Lenin who said, “Here, take this shit and you’ll be, like, wicked strong and able to run really fucking fast.”

After receiving a signal that “the urines were ready,” the young girl took her place in front of R. Kelly and closed her eyes.

Hi, I’m a stand-up comic, performing nightly. You’re wrong.

Not only is this excellent advice from a moral perspective, it also works on a practical level. My only foray into customer service was when I worked at a golf course snack bar, and I gotta say that being nice to mean/angry people was the way to go. Most of the time it disarms them and calms them down (which I was…

Stand up comedy comes with substantial trigger warnings these days - I was at Brad Garrett’s place at the MGM Grand a few weeks ago and both the pre-show and MC were explicit that people were going to be offended.

I was in a couple of places, but that’s what I bought a ticket for.

A former colleague who shared a terrible boss with me always used to say “the best revenge is to live well” and that is absolutely true. Nothing pisses a dickhead off more than seeing you happier than them.

So ... many ... testicles

Great, now all I see is Drew jacking off two dicks.

I laughed.

That looks like a foam roller to me, numb nuts.

There’s a tiny 8oz can of Bud in the back of my fridge that someone left at my house last summer. Sometimes, when I’m drunk, I like to take it out and yell at it about what a disappointment it is to the other beers.

When I saw Delino DeShields name mentioned a year or two ago, I honestly thought to myself, “Man, he must be really old... I remember him coming up.”

Oh please. Try being someone who grew up in the 80s who gets to watch the *sons* of the stars back then age and falter. Prince Fielder has an OPS of .521!

If he had done that at third, Pablo Sandoval would’ve just eaten Coco Crisp.

The problem is that he’s claiming that he has inside sources, which could put him in the wrong if these sources have signed NDAs.

The less lighthearted questions is how does copyright law apply toward a script? When the thing you’re copyrighting is essentially the story itself, does that extend to the plot points?

Isn’t ‘swag’ an item and ‘swagger’ is the trait?

Even when the proceeds from that museum go to providing young children with food and proper health care to help a generation of children from Madeira move off the island?

The difference is that Schilling kept posting crazy shit on FB after ESPN suspended him and told him to stop, and Ray Lewis never killed anyone obstructed justice again after they asked him to stop.