He better find a lawyer quick so he doesn’t miss the deadline to file the Possession is Nine Tenths of the Law defense. And a Writ of Harem Scarem.

It’s not his fault that his coach nicknamed him “Asshole."

Damn. My brother’s wife of 18 years recently came home on what appeared to be a normal Tuesday evening and said she had something to tell him. That something was that she didn’t love him anymore and that was filing for divorce. He loves music. And cannot listen to any at the moment.

Brandon, if you could choke someone to death with your hands and get away with it, would you? Wait, let’s just skip that one.

Hearing his son say go dad at the beginning, and then running into his arms at the end got me a little. That boy is gonna have a nice day at school tomorrow.

Nine by my count.

It was really only that one time, jello puddin’ pops.

But Mountain Dew is ok. Which is weird.

Well, that can’t be unseen.

Seems like something Martin Shkreli would write. Which means Ghostface Killah took the dump. But alas, it’s not possible. The Michael Jackson Nose Kid was in D.C. yesterday, and he has never been on a date.

They already played the Pro Bowl? You will have to forgive me, I am American.

No.

Look closer. The white guitarist behind him actually catches the microphone stand and pushes it back up. Stevie whiffed. And he only tried because he heard Paul hit it with his head.

We will soon find out the Djoker was just Djoking.

I worked for a guy who loved saying different versions of “How can I help you accomplish that?” And he meant it. But it made me think about how to get the task done by myself. I certainly didn’t want to tell him what to do for me.

It’s better to end with “Look here, you’re gonna do this or I’m gonna send a couple of guys over there to break your head.” For real though, I’ve had this “sounds good” scenario happen about eight times in the past week. And I wrote it all eight times. Now I feel like a prostitute.

That was a damn good match on the old gridiron.

Made me think about “The Wolf of Wall Street,” which I could watch again just for the quaalude scenes. Which took me to this decent article about the topic, which mentions scumbag Bill, and includes this passage:

I see. He cares only cares about Kip, and we are Napoleon and Pedro.