+1 Affirmed

I use the thought of an old guy announcer saying “major dunkage” to postpone ejaculation. 

Major anxiety sufferer. I had a panic attack during a very important work meeting. His candor is appreciated.

For years he’s been ridiculed as a “hack” and watched his sport be swept aside, knocked out the house of Olympians. But even as his fingers curled in anger, Shuster always knew he had the stones to rock the competition hard and bring the drought to an end. Now, he and Team USA can hog the spotlight as champions and…

Seeing way more video content here recently. Please tell me you guys (Jez/Giz/etc. You will forever be the “Gawker family” to me. Fuck you Thiel) aren’t trying to go the same way. Not everyone can watch clips and video at work. While I can do so, I hate receiving content like that. I want to read it. Pretty sure the…

UPDATE

oh man. I work for one of these companies. Mine matches a maximum of $x per year, up to a lifetime max of $x. You can do the maximum all at once if you want (as long as you make a corresponding payment) or spread it out. Last year I chose the former with my federal income tax return, and my next paycheck was basically…

Please have him email me and tell me what the alloys are before I perish.

This has been your Daily Deadspin Reminder: Never Try.

Our PTA had a “no fuss fundraiser,” and it was great. “Just write us a check. The goal is $10K, which we could hit if every family gave $25. If we make that, no other fundraisers all year.” And it worked. HELL YES.

They can also cost $4-8, please don’t waste my bath bomb on your toilet bomb.

I’ve watched a lot of game-shows in my life. Grew up watching Legends of the Hidden Temple and Figure It Out (sup Summer Sanders), worked up to the Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, and of course Price is Right. If there’s one thing that has been consistent with my tastes in shows it’s the pure, ravenous need to see the…

Goodell has a negative VORC (value over replacement commissioner), so I’m surprised some of the analytically-minded owners aren’t more furious about Goodell’s performance. Hell, even to football lifers, his tenure screams GLORY BOY!

- The National Anthem before NFL games

I thought the same, but it doesn’t make the Jambaroo if she had.

I hate kids. I've hated kids since I was a kid. As I've grown up (I'm 26 now), they can be barely ok in small doses once they're old enough to talk, but as a rule I still hate them. I give them evil stares in the grocery store when the parents aren't looking. I cringe when someone on Facebook posts pictures of their…

Matt's Diary, 1/10/13 & 1/10/18

The team sponsors were happy for him, especially since he'd already eaten the KFC bucket of the game.

Reporter: "Matt, Matt...How'd you do it? Do you have ice water in your veins???"