I thought I could watch that whole butt video, but I could only make it to a minute. Guess I don’t like butt stuff as much as I thought.

I really don’t know what these people were expecting from inviting Lindsay Lohan. She WILL wear white to your wedding and she WILL make it all about herself.

This is probably why more than one person has told me they thought I was a snob or disliked them when we first met, even though I liked them and thought our initial interactions were just fine. Fortunately they gave me a chance and we ended up as good friends, but I always wonder how many potential friends I’ve missed…

I must move to this place immediately.

FTR this is how big this dog (who is my dog) is

As a recovered bulimic, I’d much rather hear a silly joke about it than read about my friends Fitbits or their clean eating plans or their Shake-ology lifestyle.

#STOPWHITEPEOPLE2015

I want angry cats to pee in their hair while they sleep. What utter bastards.

A lot of them take the offers because they think, hey, if it worked for Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian, it will work with me! The difference is that those girls were rich, spoiled, already had a privileged life and ran in circles with famous people. So sex tape or not, they had some appeal, in a life that was already…

I can’t believe this broad actually thinks she can make a career out of this. The most people care about is the seedy little details of the affair, and she can’t even share them because she signed a non-disclosure agreement. So what else does she have to offer? And now she wants to be on The Bachelor? Or Dancing with…

I tried that at the local Christian bakery the other day.

“Why are you having this abortion?”

FEAR THE TINY CARDIGAN!

Congrats! And a pre-emptive FUCK YOU to anyone that shows up trying to judge you for this.

You know, I think about this a lot. I find it absolutely rich when white people say “all Asians look the same” or “all blacks look the same.” Its like...have you seen YOUR OWN RACE?

It looks like one big tampon commercial.

homegirl is fucking lucky as shit and also has the lightest period on god’s green earth bc if that was me please believe they would have blurred out my entire lower half and all 26 miles behind me that were literred w huge globs of my uterine lining.

No, the one good thing about waist trainers was realizing my 9 year old has been listening to me when a commercial came on for them during Little House On The Prairie. Her exact quote was, “I bet there isn’t something like this for men.”