I beg your pardon. One is still a cool kid.

Thanks for being all depressive DUAN. Now cheer up and watch Michael Bolton sing.

Tonight's Action: 2-team parlay/ Arizona St. -4.5 vs. Utah & Arizona -14.5 vs. Colorado. The Utes have been playing well, but their next game is Sunday vs #1 Arizona, and they may be distracted. Plus, the Sun Devils get Jermaine Marshall back from a groin injury, which should pump them up, even if they only get one…

Cleveland fans would definitely enjoy a head coach who's covered in cheese curds and gravy. Oh, Pet-tine? That sounds nasty.

No more work, no more shoveling, dinner's in the oven — have a good night, everyone.

I have never heard of this brand, but with your recipe, I want to go out, buy a case, and sneak it into wine collections of people that have cellars.

In 1967 Kenny Rogers formed The First Edition. After a couple of years the name was changed to Kenny Rogers & The First Edition. Kenny went solo in 1973. I've always preferred his songs with The First Edition.

A-Rod: [sits down for breakfast]

Do not allow these words to slip off the leathery, cynical skin you most assuredly don daily.

I take back everything I said about how the younger generation is going to be just fine.

This fantasy puppy bowl is a great idea because it's so inclusive. Everyone, even those who don't normally play fantasy football, can bitch about what happened to their teams.

Guys, opening this up to Deadspin readers really makes a mockery of the process. I hope you're pleased with yourselves; you're clearly just doing this for the attention.

A-Rod: So here's how this works. You're going to want to grab a tablespoon, no wait, make it 18.5 milliliters. In terms of the substance, you'll be fine with canola, vegetable, or grapeseed but do not — I repeat DO NOT — use olive or rendered pork fat. Just trust me on that one. Ok, so you're going to take the 18.5…

Here's a flash for ya:

Suddenly I'm not as ashamed of my secret love of Beefaroni.

Look, people can't be left to starve when there are so many calories wasting away in mass-produced packaging in the rusty freezer of some Ohio Winn-Dixie. I forget my statistics, but something along the lines of a few thousand people die from disease and malnutrition daily, while we get to fight and add casualties to…

"Smug hipster jaguar is particularly inspired," Tom Ley wrote before running to the urinal for his third piss of the morning. As he washed his hands, he caught his reflection in the mirror. The resemblance was uncanny and he couldn't deny it. He looked just like the cartoon bear that blew him days before.

9.7 seconds. I clocked that cartoon bear penis on the air for 9.7 seconds. I checked four times because I was sure I was doing it wrong, but within a tenth each time, there it is. For most packages (groan) that's enough time for three different b-roll shots. Not here, friends. We want nearly 10 seconds of graphic…

He's just reminding his teammates of the stakes.

Seems like they're really milking this. Millen is now claiming he was still stoned three years later when he drafted Charles Rogers.