I told my son, none of the people you look up to in life (mostly professional baseball players) smoke weed.

With basic mistakes like that, Gary couldn't handle the grind of an SEC schedule.

it’s always a Gary isn’t it

That dude’s right had a lot of mustard behind it.  The other guy went down like a tomato can.  

I don’t know, I keep trying to imagine Trump eating a piece of fruit, and it’s just not happening.

Look at Mr. Not-in-the-Bible-belt-with-his-fourth-grade-health-class over here.

Just like we learned in 4th grade health class:

“This Is The Face Of A Man Getting Pulled . . .

Starred for obscure Simpsons reference.

He would have liked to laugh it all off, but he wasn’t abel.

what was the pitch for Oddibe McDowell’s water bill

Hehe

One of the nicest ballparks I’ve ever been to is a minor league park. I think it was for an exhibition game since the Red Sox were in town, but that was a helluva day in Baltimore. 

If you regularly video chat your gf where your presumably male roommates have the opportunity for shenanigans, you’re gonna get shenanigans.

Hot take: The roommate’s reaction to the pun guy was 100% warranted. 

I can’t be the only one relieved not to find myself in there.

Brandon:
He liked to strip near-naked in the background while I was video-chatting my girlfriend.

Trump is the Francesa of presidents.

You’re right, he doesn't work in an office. He works at a fucking school.