While we're talking about this piece of shit movie - everyone needs to see this. Gilbert Gottfried reads 50 Shades. Also horrifying, but hilariously so.

I agree. The church needs to get back to the good old fashioned traditional ways where women were women and the men wore lovely, elegant gowns and elaborate hats.

COLIN

She won over my respect. The following is a 100% true story:

colin did you know that lobsters REALLY ARE undersea bugs tho

But the merchant was a very important person. He sold monogramed thermos clay jugs.

A bird landed on the middle finger[...]

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the tale of Saint Basil Fuckoff, the patron saint of waiters and bartenders.

Your compassion is an oasis in a desert of judgement. Some of these comments are pretty messed up. It is a terrifying experience. I was rushed to the ER in surprise labor in the middle of the night at 16. The whole thing was awful. I was treated like a liar and a moron by most of the staff. I could barely keep social…

Not particularly dumb. I used to work in telemarketing, and part of my job was to answer toll-free calls for certain overpriced beauty products advertised on TV and sold by monthly subscription. I was happily taking a lady's order one evening (we had gotten through all the billing and shipping information including…

I honestly just feel sorry for this woman, because she's lost something beautiful, but she's too limited to ever really know it.

As I mourn the loss of my boyfriend to someone else (I hope you're happy), here are my favorite Joseph Gordon-Levitt gifs:

You'd think this would ruin my year, but this means he likes nerdy girls, so I could have been a contender, right?

If you hate this Christmas song, I'm quitting you, Pinkman.

I am disappointed with the internet right now, for failing to give me a gif from one of my favorite Buffy episodes (Triangle) where she asks a nun about becoming one. "Do you have be, like, super religious?"

more like since they committed genocide on the native americans

And then the doctor said, "Shut up, Lena, you're not funny."

While I do feel for our protagonist (as a person) in the Chuck-E-Cheese story, I would have been laughing maniacally at the image of the decapitated rat. I have an unmitigated hated of that place, going back over 25 years...

The best part was that when my mom came to get me after I got fired (I was 16 — I couldn't drive myself yet!) she wanted to stop by the mall on the way home. There was a fancy new store that sold tapes and CDs (! — hey, this was 1986!) opening up, and they were setting up the store. In a fit of bravado I asked if they…

my number one life suggestion is never pee on your own time