My father is really bad with cats; once I placed an especially sweet, kissable kitten on his lap at a family party, and his hands curled up to his chest and he whispered "Please take it off of me, I don't know what it wants."

I like to call the self checkouts in grocery stores the Introvert Lane. I love the Introvert Lane.

Oh gawd bless! Her voice is awful, the lyrics are insipid, the song sounds like boilerplate, the autotune makes me want to stab kittens, but what a goddamn fun video! I like its homebrew aesthetic— she's walking up & down the alley that's probably behind her house or something, and there's a For Sale sign looming…

Now now, let's be fair. It must be hard living in a country where only 75% of the population share your religeous beliefs.

This remains my all time favorite:

Why can't people just fucking have an adult conversation about marriage instead of making into an ordeal of publicly humiliating your girlfriend in an attempt to make a viral video? If you are worried she might say 'no' unless you coerce her in a public forum, you shouldn't get married (to anyone, ever). If you find…

ugh, unpopular opinion time.

This just in: Unilever is suing the Republic of Ireland over this place.

And Jezebel, you have done it. I'm actually crying. Yes yes yes. I feel constant negativity just from the way people talk about their own birth experience. Its gotten to a point where I am actually thankful to have been on bed rest for the past 6 weeks because I don't have any outside human interaction. But that…

Moreover, Conflict Kitchen's (largely conservative) pro-Israel critics are still propagating the frankly insane notion that the restaurant has some responsibility to include the perspective of both sides of the conflict.

That's hilarious. My favorite comeback is a sort of lame pun, but it was the customer's over the top response that made it great. I worked at a 24 hour chain known for it's breakfast combos. At like 2 in the morning, this drunk table comes in and this guy announces that it's his birthday and he wants nachos. We're…

My favorite zippy comeback line is one I got from my boss. She was working the till, and chatting with an old lady who comes in to buy vegetables sometimes. Boss says something innocuous, like, "Oh, do you enjoy cooking?" And the old lady says, "Sweetie, when we got married I told my husband to pick one room for me to…

Huh, ask the bartender what to do. I'm seriously amazed how often the obvious stares me in the face and I don't see it. I'm definitely doing this next time. It happens often enough I'm sure I won't have to wait too long.

Oh please, Celsius is so awesome! The rest of the world knows it. One day, Americans will know the joy of water boiling at 100 degrees and freezing at 0, and of individual degrees making a perceptible difference in temperature. All the world's nations will sing out in celebration, and be united in peace and prosperity.

…

WTF?! So did I! But maybe that's not saying much since I also have a Deathly Hallows tattoo and often picture Harry Potter characters. Now I sort of wish it was a Norwegian Ridgeback instead of a puppy! Oh well.

Every Friday night, these two wonderful women come into the restaurant I work at at about 5pm and stay until 8:30 or so drinking and chatting and relaxing after a long work week. They always have kind words for my coworkers and me, and they are genuinely interested in seeing me pay for graduate school - so much so…

Celebrity Edition!

I've never served, but I did work in sales at a home improvement store for a bit...

When I saw "Truly Great Customers" in true Kitchenette style I was expecting to hear tales of the truly depraved... however what I got was 4 heartwarming tales of human decency.