I see your sweater and raise you:

And if the birthday card doesn't work:

Also hydrates your freeze dried phenobarbital and applesauce to the optimal consistency for your spiritual journey over the bridge to total freedom.

How is "The Holiday Guide to False Imprisonment" ranked #39? This is only acceptable if #38 is "Going Over Lines With Bill Cosby".

I'm certain American Family can't protect your wet dreams from HPV.

Hopefully nobody steals any of his valuables from his hospital room.

You'd better recognize.

There are dustings and sprinklings and twee little bows, all perfectly arranged for your perfect little evening of perfect holiday entertaining with your perfect neighbor guests and your perfect children standing by the table in their john-johns and singing gaily to you all as you pipe fresh, warm cognac into each…

Yeah, as a Minnesota fan I'm hoping he wants to transfer when he goes back to 3rd on the depth chart. That dude could start for 95% of D-I teams.

If Ohio State continues this complete demolition of Wisconsin, it's going to be difficult to keep them out of the Top 4.

I hope it comes back clear and that Gangwish is healthy, and also that Gangwish gets charged for animal abuse.

1. Drinking Fountain

We all know what happens when an NFL upsets a police union.

Who else stopped reading at Gloria Allred?

No wonder Arkansas often ranks last in education. They can't even count to seven.

I see your Randy Moss catch and raise you:

That's cute, but this tree clearly gets more pussy.

I like to think I have a good sense of humor, and that I'm more than willing to laugh at myself. I mean, come on....A Perkins waitress?

As part of the plea deal, Peterson must render all future child discipline dressed as Switchskers, The Child Abuse Lion.