Dear Intelligent Universe-

if you've got years of experience working with grease, greasy food, and just unimaginable amounts of greasy things

My folks once sent my sister to overnight camp for eight weeks when she was, like, 7. To this day, she still reams them out over it.

Are you at all concerned that Drew Magary is hiding in a bathroom stall just in case you have a bowel movement he can blog about?

Get out from under maybe the biggest albatross in Bristol?

For all the tired jokes about Florida, you never hear one about any individual place, outside of Miami. While you might want to read that as a lack of character, it also presents a clean slate. Tampa has Mons Venus and stupid bars that play Jimmy Buffet specifically to placate Canadian and Yankee dipshits, but it also…

This performance can't be topped.

Very Short Debate: When Rhea Pearlman is out of the room and Danny DeVito is not quite sure how to pleasure himself.

Also according to Mrs. Dickey, he named their new Kohler Gabrielle™ Comfort Height Toilet "John Carter".

In order to effectively disguise the bounty program, "Knockouts" will now be referred to as "Hiroshimas", "Cart-Offs" will be referred to as "Nagasakis". Oh, and injured reserve will be referred to as "Internment Camp".

Christ, another white guy that will see more time on the court that I will.

still hungry for fame

drunkenly munching on pizza in a golf cart while wearing Zubaz pants

Sanchez has 30 pieces of silver for any offensive lineman who wants to take a play or two off during the first preseason game.

Pictured: Fan gives a touching show of support on "Kony 2012" night at the Clippers-Pistons game.

Brooklyn Water...Takin' its Trihalomethanes to Brighton Beach!

I wonder if she takes the double meat?

That's an offer Dong Corleone cannot refuse.

With a manifesto like that, you'd think his first name would have an extra "g" in it.

Because Moss was only out for a couple plays, all Kit got in the mailbox the next day was 100 free hours of AOL.