Yeah. I'm not clutching pearls over the fact that a 21-year-old woman is giving blowjobs (side note: honestly thought she was younger than that, though). I'm just sort of internally cringing that she probably thinks it's oh so edgy that she admits to doing so. Meanwhile, I'm preparing for the slut-shaming that's going…

Fixed it for you :)

This is the face I make when I ingest pineapple-infused cum, too.

Oh, also, a man who is bleeding. Now, yes, context is everything. If a man were to rush up to me on the street and say "help! I have severe rectal bleeding!" I would scurry away. But give me a man who's got into a fight and is all bloodied, or who's got a non-fatal gunshot fleshwound.... Yaaaaaars. I didn't think…

Mine is beards. I guess that isn't weird in itself, but the intensity of how much they turn me on is absurd.

LINDY. LINDY. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE US! I'M USING ALL CAPS AND EVERYTHING!

ROYAL BABY BABY BABY BABY BAY-BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. That's what my brain has been doing all morning.

A staple gun? Why didn't I think of that? I've been offering up burnt offerings to the gods of things staying in place. I'm going to save a FORTUNE; do you know how expensive choice calves are these days?

I love that people have researched this.

I think my dog took a 13lb poop the other day....

That is the most disgusting and most hilarious thing I've heard this week!

I DON'T get it. I bake a lot, so I frequently leave out a whole 4-stick pack of butter to soften for baking. The first time my dog ate the whole pound - box and all - he was violently throwing up all over the house and then crying because he had a stomach ache. The second time, he got violent yellow diarrhea. Like....…

Animals are so disgusting.

I know it's actually a common dog thing, which makes it all the more baffling and wonderful. "THIS CAME OUT OF THE CAT. MUST EAT. DELICIOUS TRUFFLES. NOM NOM."

Also, on a very gross note, I know in theory that Great Danes are huge, but I'm picturing 43 socks and thinking "that's a looooooot of socks; that's a big ass stomach". Naturally, that means I'm also thinking "that dog must take reeeeeally big poops".

My dog should so go into this competition. Among the many things that have traveled the realms of his digestive system:

ERIN GLORY-HOLE RYAN! How can you write about Goop's farticle without mentioning that she also tells us how to wash sheets? Or that a fitted sheet should have elastic on it?

Jesus Rollerblading Christ. The header image, where it cuts off at "I make 23k since June", makes it seem like this is just your average shitcanoe. But nope. He just has to go further. I'm totally tragically not-surprised* at this point, but why the fucking hell do men think it's okay to totally berate a woman the…

Hold on, didn't she just announce her pregnancy, like... Yesterday? Was her baby born early?