This is my favorite book...the end is terrible and corny and the child gang bang is awful, but I read this book as a teenager and it scared me so bad I had to hide it under my bed. I probably re-read it every 2-3 years and its still terrifying.

i read it for the first time like 4-5 years ago, in my early 30s. i had to re-read the passages several times to make sure i was reading it correctly. like, “wait, so they’re doing...oh. oh. oh my. the children are doing the sex. okay.”

Yes! I don’t know why I care about Jamie and Katie so much. But I do. fuck Tom Cruise.

RIGHT?!?! It’s like I personally think flinging your dumps out the window in a bag is far more heinous than making a poop joke and copping up to the situation. As far as I know nobody can photosythesize their nutrients and excrete their waste in a polite raspberry scented mist.

I recommend everyone click through and read the GoFundMe firsthand account of this story. It has definitely brightened my day.

This episode was really uncomfortable, wasn’t it?

The Team Builder
Person who always wants to do theme days, team building exercise meetings, decorating contests, matching t-shirts.

Hate them with all my heart, they mean well but just a waste of time. I see my co-workers more than my family. F-U leave me alone, lets get to work or browse the internet.

I used to work across the aisle from a dude who ate at least two raw carrots every. goddamned. day. And he didn’t know how to chew with his mouth closed. I’m all for carrots, carrots are fucking wonderful. But not in a cubicle in a giant open office when people are trying to work. Gah.

This makes me murderous. I have a coworker who is apparently allergic to food that doesn’t make noise when you eat it. One day all I heard was this for an hour: Rattle of plastic bag, followed by loud crunching noise, followed by sluuuuuurp of coffee, followed by smacking lips. Rattle rattle rattle crunch crunch…

The sound of someone chewing is my living hell.

Ugh, this bitch. Usually a 50ish to 60ish white lady who can’t eat anything “ethnic” but downs her mother’s vinegar-stewed cabbage/pork casserole or pinterested Rachael ray slop that is basically cream cheese, packet of Cajun soup Mix and shredded pre-packaged rotisserie chicken like it’s nothing.

I work at a non-profit that was helping out with Hurricane Harvey relief and the people in my department all bought matching shirts that said ‘Holding It Down for H-Town’ with the old Houston Oilers logo on it and wore them to work on the same day.

The Angry Guy the coworker who is convinced they are the only hard worker and everybody else is a slacker. They throw epic tantrums yet get called “passionate about their job!” if complained about.

OMG the number of times I have seen them tell the black people (even the doctors) at my job “Hey, there’s fried chicken!” + “Flamingo, I know you made the queso but I hope you remembered Becky hates spicy food.” is infuriating! One of my coworkers whispered “Why are they pushing the fried chicken like it’s magical…

11. The Eater
The slow chewing woman that has just moved into the cube behind me.

9:00 Bagel so toasted that it sounds like she is eating a giant crouton.
11:00 A hearts of romaine salad that is the size of a mixing bowl.
12:00 Warms up last nights smelly left overs
1:00 Walk
2:00 Finishes off the rest of giant salad
3:00…

Patricia is going to pull you aside every day this December to ask you if it’s Kwanzaa yet. Then, at the company Christmas party, she is going to walk up to you and whisper, “Hey, I know your people don’t traditionally drink eggnog, so I bought you a bottle of Hennessy. Or, as they call it on your side of town—Henn…

As an assistant boss, I feel like I need to speak in defense of the assistant bosses.

Oh believe me...Ive been there, is all. And as much as it’s fun to entertain fantasies about Delivering Justice with a flaming sword...at the end of the day, you have to model sanity and kindness for your kid. It sucks sometimes, but you still do it, lol. 

Look, I’m the LAST person to be all “men’s rights!” But...that’s the kids dad. He seems like he’s likely even the primary caregiver right now as far as actual hands-on care goes. He has a right to be in her life even if he’s Captain Toxic, and right now he’s more like Sergeant Toxic.

That...is probably not going to solve the “badmouthing mom to daughter” problem. While I admit it’s probably what he deserves, when you have a kid with someone it’s usually good to try and be as kind as possible while still maintaining boundaries.