At my first trip to the OB/GYN, I was a little nervous. During the procedure, the doctor was very sympathetic and tells me, “You’re doing really great.” And out of nowhere I reply in my best Southern Debutabte, “I bet you say that to all the girls!”

In 1998, I was working at Paramount as a p.a. My boss was a smoker. The clean air act was in effect, so she was outside our studio, having a smoke. An “industry” type walking by said, “You know, secondhand smoke kills.” My boss arched one eyebrow, and without missing a beat replied, “Obviously not effectively.”

Being British and studying in the US, I acquired the rather unimaginative nickname ‘England’. I was sitting in my dorm room with my new boyfriend and a (finger)blast from the past, and the blast from the past casually mentions that we banged, and looks to the boyfriend for a reaction. Boyfriend’s jaw twitches a…

Well I was lucky that I was pulled over truthfully-I was arrogant and young, something that, I assume by your tone, you have never been. Also unless Winston Churchill is me, I didn’t steal this story from anyone. Just because the burn was stolen from him -many burns *are* reappropriated. What makes something a burn is…

This little bit of Hollywood history, be it true or too good to be true...

I was with some friends in a bar and this douche started hitting on my friend and being a real dick about it. She was trying to be polite about it, but I didn’t feel any such obligation. So I whispered something in her ear about him and she laughed. He saw it and replied, “If you’re mad that I’m talking to your friend…

My sister might kill me for this, and it’s not a burn, but it’s such a great one-liner and you guys are the perfect audience and I HAVE TO SHARE.

My 16-year-old sister looks a little bit older so she occasionally gets hit on by boys in their early 20s. At one point, this one sorry fellow tried to convince her that “age is just a number,” to which she quickly retorted, “a prison cell is just a room.”

some sick burns i have delivered:

1985. I was walking into a bar with one of my more friendly friends. She helped me dress up and put on some sick make up. I dare to say that I looked HAWT! We were there to dance and maybe meet some guys. She was there to meet/stalk one in particular. I just wanted a night out.

I just remembered a great one! Last month, my friend - who is the chillest, least confrontational, most mild-mannered person in the whole world - was visiting Israel and he ran into some German lady who was like, “Why can’t there just be peace?” My friend was all, “Yeah, totally” (my friend and I are both Jewish but…

Fairly recently me, my siblings and my parents were sitting around and in a sign of how we can now all talk like adults we were sort of telling “The most fucked up I’ve ever been” stories and my sister, who had a bit of a wild adolescence, tells a pretty horrific story. My mother, who was the least enthusiastic about…

Okay, here is my thing with burns....or snappy come backs, which they were once called. I cry. I cry when frustrated. I hate it. I’m quite sassy unless pissed off, then I cry. Ugh. Nobody knows how much I just burned in my head them, cause I am crying.

Waiting at the airport for a flight. There’s a line of about 10 people at the counter that were delayed from an earlier flight. Some dude pushes past the line and screams at the desk agent that, “(He) has to be on this flight! And it has to be first class!” Agent tells him that she can help him but he need to wait in…

One time I was at the bar wearing these really cute booties. They were a bit trashy and I got them at the thrift store but I was rocking it.

burns are great but reactions are better

Many years ago, as I stood in line at the (University) gym to be issued gym clothes, a student in front of me told the attendant he needed a “medium jock strap with a large cup.” The attendant immediately came back with “Why? Are you trying to leave room for your hand?”

Ooh, this one will be fun! The first story coming to my mind is one I have told on here before, but I’m sure it will be new to most of you:

At least she said that her manicure was on point, not on fleek???