MY DAD IS IMPORTANT is in the lead, but IT WASN'T REALLY A THREAT I WAS JOKING is thundering up the rear. And now I'M GONNA GET YOU FIRED is making his move!

I was thinking a Key & Peele sketch. "LIAM NEESONS!"

I do not understand everything—and I'm still coming to terms with some of my own culturally-programmed (and parentally taught; my folks were and are -awesome-, but they were also products of their time, and we have some pretty fundamental—but respectful—disagreements these days) expectations.

Honestly, this community…

I warn you that I will take my cues from my cat, and ululate the song of my people at the top of my lungs beginning at 4:30 a.m. until such time as I am fed.

As a heterosexual, married male, I must offer two responses to this article:

First, the positive: Thank you for the laugh. This was one of the most insightful, witty, cutting articles I've read in a long time—and it had me howling, until...

Second, the negative: I have realized I know far too many men—and far too many…

honestly, and this is not a joke, i fucking love god damn Vin god damn Diesel so much

"I never intended for anybody to be hurt," she said. "I'm not a bad person. I don't have it in me to hurt anyone."

Um, did you just imply hippos are not graceful?

Too bad for Terry that photoshop doesn't have a "remove rape" tool.

she didn't get the job and wound up marrying a guy 25 yrs her senior and living as a housewife in Connecticut.

Oh, thank God I've got a gym membership! I only keep it so that Tom Junod will do me the great honor of being willing to put his penis inside me, despite my being the advanced, nay, decrepit age of fifteen years younger than him.

And yet, somehow I don't think that Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Garner, Mya Rudolph, Christina Applegate, Sofia Vagara, et. all are clamoring to find 56 year old Tom Junod all that fuckable.

It would be amazing if actresses stopped granting interviews with these men's magazines. End of story.

LOL! 42 is fine but at 43 you're unfuckable again?

The best thing about aging is that the older I get, the fewer fucks I give about the opinions of dickwads like these.

The ones making a joke of his songs are funny but the ones that are totally random are hysterical. Unable to screenshot but these:

You've won the internet today. I had to clap a hand over my mouth at my desk, and still a snort escaped. I'm out!

One last thought, on why I think I was so conflicted at the end of this experiment: