I’m with your kids, if you told me to put something up, I would be completely baffled as to what you were requesting of me.

That’s like when I tell my kids to put something up

“Well, you can’t just lock up all of them. It would be too obvious.” - Ferguson Police Department

Whenever I hear that someone is facing a “tribunal,” I always assume that person just did a CRAZY amount of ethnic cleansing.

The best part is when the bullpens run to the brawl from the outfield...right next to each other

I would not have done this for $100.

He hasn't outright denied this claim you just made yet. Makes you think...

Hardcore UFC fans will sleep a lot easier tonight as soon as someone reads this to them.

“I hate America,” Curry said. “We [The Warriors] burn an American flag before every game, it’s a tradition.”

I’ve accidentally shot myself in a strip club before but I just went to the bathroom and cleaned up a bit.

Black shorty socks with boat shoes? Put him under the jail!

My girlfriend tells me the correct color is actually "salmon".

let’s not forgot he was drinking Bud Light Lime to complete the ensemble.

Of course he wears an Apple watch and “they’re Peach! (not pink)” shorts.

Lest anyone too young to know might think the draft dodger angle is the biggest insult in this tweet, refusing to call him Ali, and instead insisting on calling him Clay was the racist dog whistle of choice back then. Racist whites refused to do so for years after.

Dear Representative Daniel,

Muhammad Ali did not throw out the first pitch in Marlins Park history. Jeffrey Loria’s sick ass paid whatever was asked (presumably more than the HR statue cost) to have Ali golf-carted out to the pitcher’s mound from Centerfield. The ball was then snatched from his unstable hands by none other than the unremarkable…

LeBron James wears 23