“I’d hit it.”

That’s why I don’t watch the local news. Nothing but endless puff pieces.

If I was important, I’d have a special laptop, specifically for surfing porn and such.

details of how exactly he fell are not known

Oh, man. I’ve got a sick feeling in my gut about this. The guy is not at an age where he can rehab a serious injury and return to form.

He was clean-shaven before the game started.

This guy has yet to make it through 12 steps, let alone an entire staircase. 

Looks like a Saab 9000 crossed with a piece of shit.

If they’re looking for an unoccupied space that’s hosted bowls, how about Mark Davis’ head?

Jose Bautista completely rebuilt his swing at the age of 30 when he joined the Blue Jays. It wasn’t just the mechanics, it was also in his approach: how he learned to mentally chart each at-bat; segregate his fielding from the batters box; develop strike zone discipline. If it wasn’t for Cito Gaston and Dwayne Murphy…

This is overblown. He’s got a lot to learn but he’ll have AIDS.

Me and Adrian Peterson would have been dynamic.

Her opponent later admitted that it was the longest he ever lasted with a girl.

Guess they finally tapped out the whole lucrative “fat people who frequent amusement parks” demo

Cardinals GM: [dials up Astros GM] Looks like we have to send you a couple of draft picks, do you want to make those selections yourself or should we just work off the list that we have?

Cubs: How’s everything going tonight?
Indians: Fine.
Cubs: Your entrees are good?
Indians: Yes, fine, thanks.
Cubs: More water?
Indians: All set, I’d just like to-
Cubs: Refresh your wine?
Indians: No, thank you, but the food is getting col-
Cubs: Care for the dessert menu?
Indians: No, please, let me eat my dinn-
Cubs: More…

“calling for help probably only made Kobe madder.”

Gravedigger: [throws in the Towell]

Sadly, he had no idea what to do when he reached third base

Don’t watch the NFL if you can’t stomach graphic violence.