Rewriting your mission statement is hard, you guys. Maybe someone around from 1964 can show them how they did it. Like... a "oh darn equal rights" mentor or something?

Thank God I make much more sound investments... in Holiday Barbies.... and POGs... and the Harry Potter Wizard cards inside packages of chocolate frogs. (Beaumont Marjoribanks rookie card. Got it.)

aka Volume 4 of Lemony W. Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events.

And she has an army of Etsy shoppers at her side.

Tactic #2: Zoom out. AllPosters.com decor. Pale face.

Yeah, you did that wrong. I could fix your "logic" by explaining that for your equation to work, you'd need to point out that you, yourself, are also indebted to account for any and all expenditures and submit to medical testing in exchange for monetary aid, but first of all, you're not, and secondly, I hate…