The auction winner.

5 Sex Offenders You Meet in Heaven

Mitch Albom provided Cleaves with an alibi that he was at a Michigan State game at the time the alleged assault occurred.

I was 13-14 in the mid-70s, and I got a lot of attention from grown men. I was thrilled by it. Boys my age either ignored me, barked at me, or called me names. Adult men talked to me like I was a person, admired me, complemented me. At the time, it was bliss, and I felt it made me special. And thanks mainly to a lack…

So what now? You’ll never buy another cd or Itunes?

This is very well written. My feelings on this are complicated, but my instinct is that women should get to own their sexual history, whether its morally problematic or not. If Maddox says she’s okay with it, I believe her. If she had said she was raped, I also believe her.

Ugh. Another awareness campaign. Much more useful to donate to research.

All the videos I've seen say, "You have 24 hours to respond OR you have to donate $100 to ALS." Meaning these people would rather an ice bath than donate to a good cause. I guess they haven't realized it makes them look like jerks.

Tagline should be "See what happens when Albert Burneko turns what should have been a three-line reddit reply into a boring 6-paragraph piece that no one cares about."

How you know a Gawker writer is an unbearable douchebag: When they start a paragraph with "Listen.".

Don't spite kids.

Now I'm hungry for pie. Make with the recipe, food-boy.

You probably think participation trophies are a good idea too.

Tousle his hair, buy him a pie, and say "next time you want something, just throw a shit fit"

Buying all the pies was more in spite of the parents failure to control their kid/ teach him/her how to behave in public rather than in spite of the child him/herself, imo. I think you should stick to fucking up regional food recipes, Burneko.

So did someone take your pie when you were a kid or something?

Why are you so butt hurt about this? Who gives a shit, its a funny story, move on, and go on your merry way.

You left out RAPE.

Yeah, after winning his second Stanley Cup and being named MVP of the playoffs, he really should have just gone home and curled up with a glass of milk and a good book. Please.