(Pops a boner)

Russia seems like a crazy, polluted place, where airlines are a free-for-all and that rescue boat actually reduced the mercury level in that river.

"Pilot error" was used to euphemistically describe Sylvia Plath death.

He only got the guns because the case of Raid he bought at Costco wasn't getting rid of the bugs crawling all over him.

It's amazing what somebody will do to distract you from the cigarette burn scars his foster father left on his palm.

Congratulations! You just made the Deadspin comment section's one millionth La Russa drunk joke.

I think La Russa would make a great offensive line coach.

La Russa wants to distance himself from the elephant walk gig, whether it's a baby or not, since his previous job was a glorified mascot.

Makes sense, "Fuck it, I'm going deep!" originated from Rourke's heroin shooting days.

Tony La Russa had a handle stuck, stuck in his mouth!

Based upon their relationship history, I believe the Kardashians media machine will be mixed.

I'm not very good at reading lips, but I'll give Rivers a shot:

It was an O.J. joke? I thought it was a cancer joke.

IV.

I'd hate to see "The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment" in the Flintstones times. All those poor dinosaurs would end up out of work.

None of the Five Guys I own have my name on it.

Christ, Dwight Howard has missed like two paychecks, and has already held a yard sale.

Freddie Mitchell is going to be so happy to hear this.

Crosby was going to go as the Invisible Man, but he saw how much shit Raffi Torres got for his costume.

I'll call the meme dead when The Choson One does it, Shin-Soo Choo.