Hand to God, my best friend is 34 years old and STILL believes the poophole is the loophole. UGH.

She did take the photos herself. She set up the shot, got into position and then triggered the photo. You can see the trigger in her hand.

There is a reason it's called The Beautiful Game.

Do you have a crockpot? Here's what you do. You throw that brisket into the crockpot, add enough water to cover it then pour in a bottle of cheap dry red wine or two bottles of beer, two roughly chopped onions, two stalks of celery, two whole carrots, mushrooms if you've got em and maybe a bay leaf if you have it and…

Girl, you need what you need. Don't apologize for that. Do you think you could have an open conversation about your sex drives? Sometimes just clearing the air helps. Mister Periwinkle isn't as much of a sexmonkey as I am, and that can be difficult at times (Oh Wahl massager, how I love you) because it can feel like…

I don't think this needs to be a big production, and you can always leave a door open for future communication "Hey, I know you've been wanting to hang out a lot lately but I just don't have it in me. I'm just hermit crabbing it for a while, you know how it is. Would it be okay if I just unplugged for a while and…

Oh man, I wish we could trade. I keep a short lilac Eton Crop (sort of like a flapper pixie) and my stupid hair has got to grow something close to an inch every three weeks. It's ridiculous. I live in the land of Latina Mermaid Hair so my fella learned how to give me my signature haircut but the root touch-ups are…

Oh girl, we have ALL been there or someplace like it and it suuuuucks. I swear, no matter how smart or savvy you are, it's going to happen at least once because those are the dues you pay for being open to new experiences. The best thing you can do is go "Welp, that sucked." and after the initial fury/pain subsides…

With Whoopi Goldberg's voice. Listen to it again and thing Whoopi Goldberg. It's uncanny.

Bitches gotta eat.

Let me do you a solid: MAC Face and Body in white. Yes, fucking WHITE. It's sheer but it's great for evening things out on its own or adding a bit to a foundation that's almost but not quite right. In the winter I use it on its own and in the summer when I've browned to "C1 Alabaster" I'll add a bit just to make it…

I think it's important you and your husband are on the same page about how you might never want kids, only because I've seen more than a couple good marriages go south when it turned out the guy who SWORE he was okay not having kids wasn't actually that okay with it and no one bothered to talk about it until it was…

In my experience it made it worse until it didn't, if that makes any sense, so stick with it and adjust as necessary. I still have bad dreams more often than I don't, but they're not even in the same league as what they had been and they don't mess with me during waking hours the way the PTSD nightmares did. I haven't…

Did intensive (often miserable) PTSD treatment —a combo of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, talk therapy and good ol' fashioned medication— for about two years and while it was a pain in the ass, life is so much better now that I can't even tell you.…

Honestly it was more like an internal (maybe not?) monologue consisting of one giant slow-mo "ooooh fuuuuuuck" and I don't even remember after that.

One day when Mr Periwinkle and I first started living in sin (a very stressful situation for us both) I asked him to make the bed while I did something else. A while later I went upstairs to see he'd made an absolute mess out of the bed —I think he put the fitted sheet on top and who knows what else— and for one of…

Right? I was like "but she IS an autumn! Don't you have EYES???" Thanks for taking care of that for me.

Meh. I have a Birkin (extravagant and unwanted gift) and it's way too heavy, plus it's like a fucking Tardis on the inside so you can never find anything. Just take two Vin Diesels instead. You'll thank me in the morning.

I'm a frag hag too and bought TWO full bottles of Cumming when I thought it was being discontinued (it's now sold as Second Cumming on the CBIhateperfume site). It's so, SO good. Of course I like pretty much everything Christopher Brosius has ever done, but this one is particularly good.

As it stands, it is both Shark Week in and out of my pants and I had a shark taco yesterday. It's the ciiiiiircle of shaaark. (sorry, I live in a little Mexican fishing village. Whatever Lupita's husband catches is what goes into that day's tacos)