To be fair, when you do that many opioids every #2 really is a celebration.

I’ll never put my hands on anybody.

....she’s only 14?

I think he’d have more luck in the Trump administration if he changed his name to something awesome like Wrecks Killerson.

Some leftover pizza for the lady?

Give the guy a break. It’s extremely difficult for Floyd to find people in his own line of work that he can legitimately knock out.

Look at how this question was setup:

Way back when, I worked at a grocery store. We had a greeter who was your typical 80-something year old retiree. He drove a Z06 convertible every day. Even the dead of winter. One day when we got over a foot of snow, I saw him drive that damn Z06 like it was the middle of summer. Still makes me smile to this day.

I don’t know if she’s required to wear a top.

Of course she’s dead. Also... this show was okay, but still didn’t deserve the hype and I look forward to skipping season 2

I had a Siberian Husky that would eat anything when she was teething as a puppy.

That’s why I don’t watch the local news. Nothing but endless puff pieces.

One of my friends jokingly used to say he wanted to tattoo a scale bar on his dick, but make it in “inches” that were actually only 3/4 of an inch long.

Never lie about your dick. Don’t lie about its length; don’t lie about your ability to get it hard. Don’t do it in a movie; don’t do it in real life.

When McEnroe first heard the news that Navratilova had announced she was gay, he was heard to yell, “OF COURSE SHE’S OUT! USE YOUR FUCKING EYES, ARE YOU BLIND? HOW COULD YOU SAY SHE WASN’T OUT WHEN SHE WAS CLEARLY OUT?!?!”

Oh sure, this is cute, but everyone freaks out when I show up alone with a camcorder at the playground.

The trick is to drink a little bit everyday. Even if you don’t want to or your wife starts to cry.

The Lions are so bad they made Sanders and Megatron straight up just quit football.


ETA
Johnson’s still only thirty goddamn one!
Calvin should call Belichick, we’ll get him on that TB12 rabbit food and he’ll be loving it all again.

If you choose to watch playoff basketball instead of playoff hockey then you deserve this season

You dirty Creekies! I hate you Creekies!