Huh. Usually when I see something oozing out of a lifeless crotch, it's a Rick Reilly article.

Yep, my bad. No idea which game this is from, then. I've noted the errors above.

His specialty is the Statue of Liberty play, where he has sex with the Statue of Liberty.

Baseball (and the media reporting on it) is so biased, and I'm really starting to get sick of it. If Yasiel were a pitcher and struck out seven in a row, everyone would be fawning all over him. But, just because he's a hitter, now he's getting benched? Doesn't seem right to me.

So much for using Josh Gordon's rehab facility.

Your cable bill will increase a couple of dollars a month solely because of the NBA.

"Was he with the Cowboys before?" she asked of Peterson. "I'm not a football fan. I only watch the Cowboys"

The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Presented by Tustin has a nice ring to it

Looks like your Idiots pool website tbh

Strange, usually testing their piss is more accurate.

"Looks more like a drinking fountain to m-" [gets hit by rolled-up newspaper]

what the fuck

I demand payment for this story. If payment can't be arranged, then I demand a free pizza for this story. If a free pizza can't be arranged, then I demand a day-old sandwich for this story.

It's cool we've all just learned to ignore your comments.

These apologies would seem more sincere if Pizza didn't already have a history of domestic violence, which has led to copycat crimes being committed by the Moon.

Hekking: Holy shit, is that building on fire? I've got to go out there and see if I can help!

I am also an animal murderer. I may have shared this in an old DU!AN (remember those?), but:

I had a giant rat living in my house a couple of summers ago. This thing was the size of a middling dog. Every now and then I would come into the kitchen and he'd be on the stove or something and then go scurrying under the sink and off to his little rat hellhole.

I am going to ban you if you do this again.

Yeah, but that doesn't suit my joke as well.