The banhammer is gone, but your repetitive Donald Trump jokes are making me consider bringing it back.

Almost tow years ago to the day, my on-and-off boyfriend of seven years committed suicide. We weren’t dating at the time, but it still hit me like a train.

Really quick post because I’m celebrating with family and friends but....I GOT ENGAGED TODAY!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh. I have no idea why the thought I can’t wait to share this with my Jezzie friends crossed my mind at this exciting time but it did and here I am. Love you guys and AHHHHHHH!!!!

When it comes to airlines and trying to get home, probably never. The last thing I need is to be labeled a belligerent minority and get pulled aside for questioning just long enough to miss the last flight out.

Girl, it’s not a Grammy, you can’t just dedicate it to your momma.

But have you really lived in New York until you’ve moved between apartments with a bunch of sketchy Russian dudes in an unmarked truck?

Do you have a garden hose? Turn it on high and knock the wasp nest down. Or ask the landlord to do it. This has worked for me every time, no swarming or anything, they move elsewhere.

That’s the kind of attitude that only comes from years of peeing in frat showers

Meanwhile this me:

#WheresPiratePeter?

so thats what a seventh degree burn looks like...

Honestly, I think people in TX would have respected him more if he’d done that.

I get it, man. I get what it’s like to live all alone in a one horse town. I get what it’s like to be saddled w/ a major mental health disorder, in a day-to-day world of endless, excruciating pain. I get what it’s like to keep hanging on, in the face of all that, with nothing to live for except for the news. I get…

I’ve been through this. In 2013, my husband moved us from the midwest to Los Angeles, promptly began fucking a mutual friend, and decided our marriage was over (or, if you believe his initial ramblings ‘I’m not sure I even, like, believe in marriage at all’).

We have a new puppy! I only had to do an 8 hour round trip in the car with my kids and my wee dog to pick her up. And we really didn’t know for sure that she’d be there (the SPCAs in this area are notoriously bad at updating their sites). But we got there before opening and we fell in love and took her home.

You’re a good person.

A few years ago I was on Facebook and noticed a former coworker I didn’t really know that well but had courtesy-friended who had recently moved out of town had just uploaded a bunch of pics of his new city. There was some interesting looking architecture in the album so I was merrily clicking through the pics when I…

I went to my then girlfriend’s parent’s house for dinner. After the meal I went to find a restroom. I walked down the hall and nearly into the open door of the bathroom where her mom was taking a dump on the toilet. Mortified, I quickly turned around, unsure if she had seen me, and continued down the hall. It was a…