Sorry dude - that’s nacho foul ball.

Jensen is the most beautiful cryer ever.

Pinkham’s no longer with Wonkette, but still sharing horror stories from the food industry.

1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

Even if he was an affirmative action admission all it would prove is that affirmative action kicks ass and is worth the investment, because we got Barack Freaking Obama out of it.

a sociopathic golem whose mouth puckers like an anus

I prolly shouldnt post this gif or be laughing as hard as I am, but this column really brings out the worst in me and it’s cathartic so screw it:

doesn’t look 12 in the pants! ;)

I tried to post earlier, but it didn’t make it up?

“It’s been 9 days, and I’m so scared that he’ll never contact me again, and I’ll never have the closure I need.”

This is going to sound harsh, but I couldn’t think of a nice way to say this.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Have you ever read about narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse? Your story seems pretty classic for that, especially the complete discard at the end. I’ve been reading everything I can about it because I only recently realized I have a narcisstic parent, and…

Hey Jezzies— Talk to me about online dating. Any success stories? Horror stories? Tips? Is it something worth trying?

Dunkaroos were almost the greatest thing ever, second only to these guys:

Double down. Print out this picture and put it on his desk:

That is act one of a horror movie!

I feel like there was a real missed opportunity to deploy “Jury Booty” at least once in this post.

Some day, when we all least expect it, Michelle will throw Shade so epic that the Honorable Judge Kara Brown will have to write a special episode of Shade Court on it.

I have seriously never found a man so attractive without knowing what his face looks like.

“Dangerous liASSions”