Mate, my dad died in October, of alcoholism. When I was younger all I wanted was him to be a proper dad like people I knew, who be emotional and connect. When he died most of what I felt was anger for his failings and relief that I didn't have to deal with it anymore. Then came horrible guilt. I have no advice but you…

Write a card to yourself, first. It may help you sort out your feelings. Then send what you would like to send.

So well stated, and I'm glad you didn't create a burner account. Part of the huge power of disordered eating is its secrecy, and, I'm learning, the desire to appear "together" and not at all vulnerable. Thanks for your post.