Let’s meet back here in four years to see how this fucking bet pays off.

In England, it is the only crime punishable by death.

Team Perry

Interesting, but your program seems incomplete. Since you’re on a roll of self-righteous upbraiding yourself, I went ahead and signed you up for my new program BOFA DEEZ NUTS (patent pending). Just apply directly to the forehead, and you begin to gain a sense of humor!

That is mesmerizing.

So all 40 of you can get to your reindeer farms. There are 8 million people in NYC dumbass.

The Metro-NYC area has 4 times the population of Finland. That's just one city area. I'm sure there's a few smug people there, too. But not one reindeer. So, it ain't as easy as it might sound.

Five-year-olds like visual explanations, right?

I think I would be upset if most of my exes got engaged (I’m on okay terms with like two of them), but not because I love them deeply or anything. It would be because I find them to be entirely loathsome individuals and I want them to be alone and preferably miserable forever.
I am not as nice as I pretend to be.

Aw. We got mostly thinks off our registry and limited cash gifts, but we put a lot of thought into our registry for things we really needed. I love pulling out something now and thinking back to who got it for us.

Mama Doo always said that no one ever returns cash, and it’s never the wrong size or color.

They're never too young for "the talk".

Can I resurrect this meme?

"Sicilian grandmothers get sad as hell today." Jumpin' Jesus, yes they do.

- Someone who has a Sicilian grandmother

9/11.

And if you want to just troll your extremely pious relatives at Easter (because really, after a few drinks, who wants to listen to Uncle Buster's shit anymore?), just share this story from the this wikipedia page- note the "Tomb of Jesus Christ" section.

Keep a steady flow of mixed drinks - enough to relax, not too much so you're shitfaced - and keep your mouth shut outside of "You're right, Charleton Heston was a great Moses," and you'd be fine.

Most shelters also offer personality blurbs about the cat's background and/or observed behavior, which are very helpful in deciding if socially the kitty will be a good fit for your personality and expectations.