That's the opening line of the Five Man Electrical Band's biggest hit in Bizzaro World.

If Bill Simmons would have exercised some patience, he could have added this tale to his exhaustive/ing discussion of disgraced former Eagles.

That piece isn't nearly as insufferable as Glen Frey's cookbook that contained nothing but variations on a classic roasted potato and onion casserole, "There Ain't No Way To Hide Your Lyonnaise."

Well, the joke was a stretch, but that's no excuse for people to be raglan on you about it.

Winfrey and screenwriter Danny Strong take so many liberties with the real-life tale that they had to just make the whole thing fiction

I'm surprised there's no mention of former Cowboy DC Rob Ryan who also has a soft spot for hot dogs.

I'm flattered.

You're an asshole.

So a Homer goes over the fence at a baseball game - why exactly is this news?

When I need to address something left behind by a filthy asshole I usually say "hello there, Sandra Bullock."

I guess "slander" is the one S-Word Leach shouldn't have swung.

This is not going to end well. Just ask Steve Olin and Tim Crews what happens when you fuck around with a Hull.

Perfect crime if you ask me. What reasonable juror is going to believe someone was actually attending a preseason game?

Nice to see a story about a tight-lipped Tanya that has nothing to do with a certain ex-figure skater's recent vaginal rejuvenation surgery.

With the Nationals 15.5 games out in August, I'd say it's perfectly fine to have a Post-mortem.

Extra says the screws can run as much as $1,000 a pop.

Stop me if you've heard this one before

So he beat Tom Dempsey's old record by six inches.

Dry humping Cousins really isn't that unusual in Tennessee.

He's the best handicapper the NFL has seen since Jack Tatum.