My mother. Who took the opportunity during her toast to give my bride my bronzed baby shoes, saying "This is all I have left to give to you of my Gregory. The rest you've already taken for yourself"

I wouldn't say it was 'royally screwed up' but we did have a bit of fisticuffs. Our venue is on a private school's campus. It used to be the convent and is now the library for the school in one part and a reception/wedding venue in another with the nuns living on the 3rd floor. The school isn't so much in a…

My mother-in-law literally does the shoe thing. We bought her new sneakers once, and she insists she wears a 5.5 which is weird because she has worn my shoes and I'm a 7.5/8.

Would you like whole wheat toast to much on?

That works. As long as they are not crunchy. Because allergies.

So at this place, everything tastes like ham?

Nothing worse than linguinies that are picked too soon. Grilling them more won't even make them tender.

Ugh, some of these employees have so much attitude. If you're unwilling to do things just because they're logically impossible, maybe customer service isn't for you.

"I ORDERED WHOLE WHEAT TOAST FOUR TIMES AND YOU GUYS KEEP CUTTING IT IN HALF!"

I'm just annoyed at how many people, especially grown women, don't know the difference between a vulva and a vagina. Even if she was wearing nothing below the waist you wouldn't be able to see her vagina in that pose!

Maybe I'm too liberal but I don't see the big deal. I wish parents were more honest and say that they're uncomfortable looking at half naked people and leave kids out of it. Kids for the most part don't give a shit about a lot of stuff parents worry about. How will this cover harm them?

HER STOMACH LOOKS LIKE MINE!!!! HER THIGHS LOOK LIKE MINE!

There's nothing wrong with her body, that's how a 47 year old body looks, if you're lucky and have very, very good genes. Why people should continue the myth that beautiful = young I don't know. Because as a species our window of youth is relatively small, and we'll be old far longer than young. That's a long time to…

I basically think that a black person could find a cure for all cancers while simultaneously negotiating lasting peace in the Middle East and the people of north-central PA would be like, "yeah, but his mom was probably on welfare and he got his medical degree because of affirmative action which is REVERSE…

i think you guys are misunderstanding. it was very clear to me that he interpreted the dolphin's prolonged interactions with him as demonstrations of consent. that doesn't mean that i don't personally question that idea of consent, because i personally do not think animals can consent to humans, nor do i think consent…

Typically I just yell "Last one to finish does the dishes" and make it a race.

I really like you, Mark. But I have a red pencil here that is just dying to correct all these typos.

I think sometimes abusive parents have a tendency to believe the lies they've told themselves about how wonderful their children's childhoods were. Particularly if their children turned out to be decent adults.

Whelp, I was going to hang out in my sexy sexy sex pants (stained in not one, but two places with Nutella) and watch season two of The Fall while my daughter is at a sleepover, but I guess I'd better change. Perhaps I can find some non-lustful dungarees somewhere. I mean, it's just me and the dogs here, but you never…