Can anyone here report a single tinder meeting wherein the person you met was even remotely accurately portrayed in the photo(s)?!?

For someone who earns 1/5th of sales for typing numbers into an iPad and occasionally tasked with basic math, it's truly amazing that you've deluded yourself into thinking any of us give a shit about how we may be inconveniencing you. The average restaurant owner is lucky to net 10% of sales. You're making twice…

If you live in an area with owls, try calling them while you're on your porch/balcony at night. It goes great with a bottle of wine. Just pucker your lips tightly and suck in a little bit to make the sound of a distressed rodent/mouse/rat. Keep looking up overhead as you sip your wine and very frequently you'll…

NO! REJECTED! People had the chance to own pit bulls legally. They had the chance to control them. They blew it. Fuck conjecture. Fuck your white trash, incurious conjecture. Let's use facts, asshole:

Pit bulls are actually very docile! They're just so sweet you have to get to know them! — Signed, every trashy, uneducated, incurious loser ever.

I must put this on fridge next to the Tyson/Obama/Nye selfie.

Hmm. When you play this while reading this everything seems fine.

Awesome. That is all.

Axl Rose does not sing in falsetto. I demand correction.

"...had been waiting for her to send him a sign" is backwards, no?

Maybe someone should put up a bounty of $100 for each vine of someone sneaking up behind Aaron VanDeventer (or his friend) and smacking the shit out him?

"for $1.50 a pop" just gave me a candy idea. Geniusssss (singing).

My erect penis is 7 inches using the standard measurement method. The problem is that my flaccid penis like 2" or less at times. I learned on SATC once that I'm a "grower, not a shower." Still, I am horribly embarrassed about this and have refused my entire life to get naked in a locker room. I dread physical…

Stop giving credibility to these incurious sloths. Oh wait. Because: Gizmodo.

Every drink we give our daughter is cut with water to a calorie level WE feel is appropriate. You're not an asshole just because you don't let corporations decide what is right for you and your children. I don't oppose the government's message here. Can you tell me what incentive corporations have make less…

Yeah for sure. I tried to make it so that when I used hashtags it was obvious I was being sarcastic. Sorry, I'm still learning how to use the Internet.

Why do I get the feeling the only people mad about this tweet are M.S. grads. #truth #fit4life

I use "myriad of" solely to troll assholes. Every thanksgiving this works swimmingly on my pretentious cunt of a sister-in-law...and any other adjective olympians I happen to come across (or on).

Aaron Paul is pretty good, too.