I originally had fake names in there as a joke, but then I took them out because I thought “nah, this is stupid enough.”

It also can't make pancakes. I'm out.

About half of the humans on this planet would massacre any embassy on the grounds that they haven't accepted Jesus, don't believe that Mohammed is Allah's prophet, or believe in universal health care.

This. All day.

I subscribe to Bill Watterson's theory: "The surest sign there is intelligent life elsewhere in the universe is that it hasn't tried to contact us."

She probably also thinks that goddamned dress is White and Gold.

Thus the robot learned to hate humanity. And humanity's days were thus numbered.

Circa 2002? Maybe 2003.

I was the Room Service Coordinator at a casino in Atlantic City, NJ. My job consisted of taking orders via phone, creating the checks, assigning servers, and closing the checks. Room service also handled all the amenities for the shows, so I've been on the phone with an assortment of…

I have:
Annoyed Clint Eastwood into an autograph
Word vomited all over Dave Foley
Shaken Liz Taylor's tiny, tiny hand
Blown kisses at a camera with Monique Powell
Danced at a tiny club near Sia
Watched BB King play at his club near Eric Clapton
Hung out in Matt Groening's living room watching Nintendo

Way ahead of them

Businessweek has been doing some amazing covers as of late. While that A&F one is great, this one is my personal favorite:

Yes, it does.
Which means (as always) that we ALL lose.

Edit: (GOD I LOVE the dismiss button!)

I'm so jealous.

Space bar broke, huh? You uh, should probably look into getting that fixed. I bet the scientologists will sell you a new keyboard for under $10,000.

I totally want this.

OMG I came here to mention the same. I always HATED milk. So my dad used to mix milk and pepsi so I would drink it just like Laverne.

I just want to throw this out there, I have a really weird obsession with 1988 Crystal Light National Aerobic Championship videos on YouTube. That is all.

You know sense don't sell magazines. Get out of here with all that thinking and crap. Wtf is wrong with you?

She's just not that into you, Kim.

Bubba Ho Tep