@Phintastic: Good to have ya back.

One out of three is surprisingly good for a couch in Cleveland, based on Tim's winning percentage anyway.

Q: Who's got two spiked forelegs and a seething jealousy of flying organisms?

Well, shit, I'd probably commit random acts of violence too if I was facing the very real likelihood of being eaten by my girlfriend any time we smooshed. (And here I thought post-coital "relationship chats" were stressful.)

I'd say this turned out rather well for Moss. At least he has Adrian Peterson to handle most of the heavy lifting. Last time New England traded away an unappreciated superstar, Bridget Moynahan's uterus was left to fend for itself.

@Mrs. Roper's libido: I must say, that is a very solid (albeit slightly raycess) list of horrendous candies and the world undoubtedly would have been a better place had they been aborted in the concept stage. However, I am sticking with peach J.R.s because, unlike the esteemed candidates that you proposed, they (a)…

@I Like Cheap Beer: Boom. Star. Congrats.

How did Frank Gore manage to avoid gonoberrya?

Hasselbeck didn't fully grasp the ­origin or the extent of the situation

@Bullet_Tooth_Tony: Bonus points deserved - and awarded - for seminal double-possessivity. (Ironically, the harshness of Mr. Fresca's hot load's aftertaste is roughly equivalent to Carl Spangler's Bent Grass.)

@Bullet_Tooth_Tony: Sorry, I backdoored ya with that addendum(*). As soon as I posted it I realized somebody would [understandably] take issue with the parallel, at least as it was initially stated.

The absolute worst candy ever was the peach Jolly Rancher. Without fail I would get tricked into thinking I was about to indulge in the yummy awesomeness of artificial orange flavoring, then BAM... suddenly it was as if Mr. Fresca* blew a hot load in my mouth. Disgusting. Motherfuck the Hershey's exec who…

@David Matthews: Add that to the list of shit that ESPN has ruined, along with Harold Reynolds' rep and the 2006 World Cup.

@The_International_Poise_Conspi...: She is hot, no question, but let's keep in mind that this "judge" also believed that Lyle Lovett was attractive. So there's that.

Speaking of circumstantial and wholly-uncorroboratable evidence, on the off-chance that the clue about Matthew's friend having been invited to France was a veiled reference to the Cannes Film Festival, Julia Roberts played a supporting role in "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind", which premiered as a "non-competition"…

@titansfan78: Hiiiiiiiidey hiiii.

@Arthur_Digby_Sellers: Et tu, Dinglé!

@OchentaYcinco: Then you haven't seen the unabridged version of Stephen Hawking's first divorce decree.

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@HistoryChick: Agreed, but thankfully you/we will have the option of voting with our remotes. While it would mean enduring months of ESPN shoving promos down our throats (a la endless ESPN Mobile commercials — *shudder*), which will certainly suck hard, on the plus side this could be an ideal place to relegate the…