I live in Alberta and just involuntarily shivered at the idea of putting on something that just came out of the fridge.

As someone who, for reasons I don't understand, can't stand cheeseburgers and has to verify "without cheese" at every single restaurant, the greatest moment of my life was when we went to a kosher restaurant near my friend's apartment, and I start explaining to the guy that I want a burger with NO cheese, like I…

There's something about Billy Ray Cyrus' trashy ass that I find delightful. Like he gives no fucks about even appearing to be respectable.

I just went out to dinner with my coworker* wearing a Star Trek t shirt and track pants from college. Marie Clare should probably come to my house and burn my closet.

Not really on topic, but someone on I Thee Dread had a day-long meltdown on Friday after another commenter jokingly used "totes" to mean "totally." Crazy person kept loudly insisting that "totes" ONLY means "tote bags," that no one except particularly stupid Jez commenters trying to look cool have ever used the term…

Word. My house was built in 1959. Only one who can walk in my closet is the cat.

Yeah, this has actually happened to me, but thankfully I wasn't arrested or shit. But I was super pissed and I had to burn things and I didn't want my house to catch fire so the park sounded like a good idea. (The officer was a woman and she was just like "girllll I feel you, just put that fire out and we good".)

Left off the list: Tasteful funeral attire. At some point someone you know will die, and it will be expected of upu to attend the funeral or a memorial service.

I'm 23, but I know I'm an adult because in my wardrobe I have a plastic bag with a load of plastic bags crunched up within. I will need all of them one day. Nobody can take them away from me.

We've faced a lot of hardships in the last 9 years (& a lot of blessings), but even when we 'hate' each other we still love each other.

My husband was also my high school sweetheart for 3 years, and back in the day he was a super prolific love letter writer - 5-8 page letters, written on scrolled paper & tied with red ribbons - they were FANTASTIC. We broke up & went our separate ways for 10 years, during which time I married another [really horrible]…

Things You Should Have In Your Closet By The Time You Are 30:

The death of a person in your life has a weird way of making everything they used or touched or (especially) gave to you special. And you're left sitting there, with a dumb saved email or (in my case) a very emotional expired can of soup, trying to walk the line between insanely sentimental and appropriately…

Hahahahaha. I also still have my clock radio from the 80s with the "wood paneling."

I did have love letters. Lots of them. At some point I imposed some organization- one manila envelope for each major relationship. Shortly after I married, at age 31, I decided that I wouldn't want my future child to find these letters after my future death, so I disposed of them. I plunked them right in the…

"Well, Mr. President I'm sorry that today isn't what you were expecting and I agree that History will almost certainly remember her as being the most important member of the Scooby Gang but Selma, sir, is the city in Alabama"

Mark Shrayber, not only is he the Hunter S. Thompson of Jezebel, he's the only writer on the internet who can produce posts this long about things I genuinely don't give a shit about, multiple times, and get me to read through until the end.

even with painted smiles, they still don't look happy

I can just see him in court: "Your Honor... NO HOMO. I rest my case."

My mother recently moved to be closer to her grandkids (because you know, her own kids are old fucking news) and I had a bunch of stuff stored at her house. My sister and young nieces were going through some of my boxes of kitchen stuff and stumbled on my penis cake pan. My niece called it the "bone" pan (she's really…