Years ago, I dated a girl who had a tradition of going to dinner with her parents on Sunday evenings. After a few dates, I was asked to join her for her Sunday dinner out with her parents. We met them at the restaurant, and her father, who had what my wife calls a "punch me face", made a pissy comment about us being 5…

I'm a mom who loves emojis, and my daughter says her friends think my texts are adorable. I'm not sure I'm down with the 14-year olds thinking I text adorably — it sort of feels like one short bus ride away from the old folks' home.

My mom doesn't text, but my grandma does and she loves to use the smiley face and heart emojis because those are the ones she can see on her phone. Most of her texts these days are about dr's appts and how granpa is doing. She's in her eighties so i have a hard time deleting these texts. I know i'll want to reread…

my stepmom is awesome and stylish and sophisticated. Except in texts, which are totally hearts and bunnies and whatever. She likes the devil horn one the best.

My mom recently discovered emojis and for awhile was randomly adding pizza slices to texts. When I asked her why, she said it was because I love pizza, so it seemed appropriate to text me little pizza slices with every sentence.

If Reese's mom texts like my mom, then Reese is not ignoring her. Those messages were all sent in under a minute.

My mom called me today to tell me I don't have permission to talk to her nurse (because she knows they'll tell me she's being ordered to go to alcohol treatment. As IF I haven't known about her drinking problem for the past 20 years. I went through the emails she sent me in my gmail account shortly after that. A…

My great grandpa (who was a total bad-ass and supported his family thru the Great Depression by riding "bucking bronco's" at rodeos) grew the most amazing cantaloupe and watermelons... It's like there's no point trying to buy them after tasting the home-grown kind...

Fruit trays are why cantaloupe has a bad name. They are like tomatoes IMO. You shouldn't buy them in the grocery at all.

this one reads like a B-movie feste...

Ladies and gentleman, I give you the tale of Saint Basil Fuckoff, the patron saint of waiters and bartenders.

omg I just realized the scales are doing the side eye of justice

36 (I had to go double check. I thought I might be 37.)

I had a college student ID where the flash was so strong on my face, I am basically just dark hair, eyes, and 2 nostrils. I don't even have a mouth at all. After laughing my ass off, that was the best student ID ever, cause everyone I know used it to buy tickets at a discount, since it could be anyone. All my friends,…

this is totally not the point but i wish i had looked as good as her in the original photo in high school. she is precious AND smart, this girl is meant to break heartz and kick ass

Yeah, the face thinning and skin recoloring is dumb and offensive. But girrrrl, they did nothing to your eyebrows because they are already #OnPoint.

Guessing Rhea Wahlberg was the absolute meanest cheerleader who made sure everyone knew how totally awesome her quarterback boyfriend was after coach put in the backup for the big game.

I think the best photo retouchers try to make people look like they'd look on their best day—which might involve taking out zits and the like. But changing the fundamental shape of someone's face is beyond. It's really gross.

Poor Shia.

this is some INSANE SHIT