If I saw an "assembly required" sticker on my chicken parts, I'd go back to that store every damn time I needed chicken. They would have earned my business. That said, I have to assume that if Shane does work at Walmart, he's writing on the whiteboards himself, much to the hilarity of his co-workers.

For some reason I want fried chicken. It's twonie tuesday, no less!

Awwww, muffin.

I think I've debated this issue with that commenter before, if I'm not mistaken. She's very gung ho about it, there's no sense arguing. But I'm with you—not the mother's fault.

Seriously. Headline might as well read "R. Kelly Still a Horrible Douche. Not a Single Person is Surprised"

It's Scottish; Glasweigan mainly. My husband is Glasweigan and I got it from him. Roughly it means an idiot ;though why they combine fanny (UK slang for vulva) and baws (testicles) is anyone's guess. Bawbag is much more straightforward but not nearly as hilarious.

Oh good, I was briefly worried that R. Kelly would do something that WASN'T horrible so I'd have to start saying "he's a pedophile and a rapist but he does at least stand by his kids." Nope! Just a terrible human being wall-to-wall. It's almost refreshing in its simplicity.

I've always had a crush on Gary Oldman, but he may have just killed my ladyboner. RIP PRECIOUS LADYWOOD. I HARDLY KNEW THEE.

Oldman Yells at Cloud.

This would be my sister's story... I should send her over here because I swear she must have a dozen books worth of restaurant stories.

These people are nothing compared to me and the level of incredible stupidity I displayed while on vacation. In California, while standing in the lobby of a hotel with a giant fucking window where you could see the beach right across the goddamn street, I asked the clerk "Is this hotel near the beach?" Really for…

Aww. Poor polenta guy. That is a delightful tale.

My favorite part of Monday is your column. Keep 'em coming!

Yes, please.

Which is why I abandoned my husband of less than 48 hours and went looking for pussy.

Your 8 year old is also not a reality TV star that's been in the spotlight and exploited from a very young age. Calling an 8 year old a "pig brat" is seriously low.

Wenglebert Slapdiback!

I'll take one of each. Please and thank you.

British hottie Benedict Cumberbatch

That's just what we want you to think. We're actually very happy together.