I think the real problem here is that a dwarf planet is incapable of reciprocating your feelings

Oh my poor, poor Drew. There is nothing more wrong than this:

Your mom is the best player in the NHL...

You misunderstand me. I’m friends with a shark bite victim so it’s cool

This is just like the time when I broke my hand playing Golden Tee, while drunk at a bar. I eventually recovered physically, but the mental scars remained. Can’t tell you how many times I was asked to play. But I just couldn’t.

I root for Juve.

When people call the NHL a Mom and Pop league I didn’t realize it was because they’re not letting us go out with our friends on school nights.

“I come from a long line of proud dipshits”

Im a lifetime Cavs fan, and I won’t smile at this guy. This is becoming a problem in the league.

Curry couldn’t guard a pile of dog sh!t even if he was 110%. He’s nothing more than a shooter.

Yeah, no realistic Finals scenario doesn’t look fun as hell.

Look, soccer is just too boring for a guy who has spent 5 hours a day for 30 years debating middle reliever usage in regular season baseball games.

Bradenton is fucking trash. You want good beaches you go to Sarasota. People don’t hang out in Bradenton. They go to Tampa or Sarasota.

Ok, asshole you opened the can of worms. First of all, I hate the Giants because I’m a Dodgers fan.

Pickles are not a side, and I fully support starting another civil war over the matter.

Pickles? Opinion invalid. No wonder Texas sucks.

Deep from the terrifying bowels of Mt Shitty Take; Geoffrey Redick appears.

This is like if Drew Magary were a fight.

I thought Alissa Walker was the worst editor over at Gawker for her endlessly annoying utopian autonomous car puff pieces, but I now pass that honor to you and whatever the fuck you call this sensationalist bullshit. Can’t wait for “the big one” to bring Darwinism back to the west coast and finally put an end to you…

Once again, a black man discovers the Blues, but it’s white guys who make money off them.