No, you’re adorable.

Why is this not a Deadspin Name Bracket?

“I always thought a gift basket was in order after getting screwed.” - D. Jeter

That is messed up...THEY’RE DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!

“Where can we get that soundtrack?” - Nookie Thompson

Based upon sales trajectories, current trends and market saturation, at the current rate you will be left using an Apple version of this in a year or so...

Except for the people you don’t know getting killed in far off countries, because their lives don’t matter.

I thought "snuff" films were illegal.

THAT uniform is keeping Edmonds out of the HOF.

Which one is Drew in that photo?

"Can we see that again?" - GoPro

"I died for this man. I died for this man?" - Jesus C.

Still can't compete against the Hitachi Magic Wand.

“You should see how small his dick is.” - Dianobol

We know how it's going to end...

"Meh." - Madonna's Chlamydia

In Russia rink crashes into you.

Based upon a linear trajectory that all carbon based organisms over time:

"You're absolutely right, it's not like human scientists are interested in less advanced life forms like single cell organisms...ever." - Nobody