The GOP really needs to listen to the policies set by alien-possessed Bob Dole.

(In all seriousness, fuck Scott Walker and all of these misogynist cockstains.)

Call me weird, but Anita Perry looks like a member of the PMRC.

D'aw shucks! Thank you! And as a native Texan, I felt compelled to reply to this article. Perry is indeed a dingleberry on the ass of my home state. And with this stunt, he's basically extended his middle finger to every Texan and ensured we will be riding his punk ass out of Austin on a rail come next year!

Asked to comment on the recent events in Texas including the controversial SB5 legislation, the spokesperson for the Union of Goons was quick to respond:

"Speaking as an American and part of a proud tradition of goons and goonery, we don't appreciate being associated with that fuckmook Rick Perry. He was blackballed…

What man (or woman) in their right mind would want to weasel out of THAT?! Or make it illegal?! That's like passing on a chance to see Motorhead because you had Nickelback tickets, or refusing to play with a puppy in favor of getting a free punch in the dick from Popeye!

Women can't win either way with people like (p)Rick Perry.

Ordinarily, I'm willing to give young folks a second chance when they do wrong. Because we were all there once and we've all done things we regret.

But incidents like this? There is only one way to handle this situation. The principal should call in every single one of the students responsible for this savagery- every…

*reading up on Edward Snowden's flight from US authorities*

Hm. For a guy who claims to be so dedicated to transparency and freedom, it's a might curious that he's trying to seek asylum in countries that don't give a rat's ass about freedom of the press. No, really. When you flee from the US to places that are not…

But do we still have to go to the team-building retreat??

Who's pandering? I'm not trying to kiss anyone's ass, I'm just stating my opinion.

And plus, I was looking for a reason to use that picture of Leonardo DiCaprio. Because it's fucking awesome.

So putting my constantly running motormouth to a good use to keep my lady happy makes me less of a man in the eyes of alpha males, eh? Then again, I also care about her feelings, dote on her constantly, support her in what she does, genuinely respect her, and go out of my way to do nice things for her because I love…

Apparently all the butter she's been using in her recipes has clogged her brain.

Well...hm. I'm a Christian, and I have some opinions on this, so for what it's worth, here's my two cents:

If these jackholes really wanted to call themselves Christians or pro-life, they would be striving for...

...anti-poverty programs and a warm roof over every head
...good schools available to everyone
...high…

*looks at Rep. Franks*

By God, that man has such a punchable face.

My take on female Navy SEALS? Frankly, being raised for the most part by my Mom, I know for a fact that your average woman is tougher than all of the following: leather, nails, a $2 steak, woodpecker lips, and any male I've ever met.

With that in mind, the women who can qualify to be a Navy SEAL (or a member of any…

Dear Governor Good Hair:

You have a lot of balls, dude. No, really. You and your cohorts have been busy the last few years shafting teachers and students, attempting to replace solid academics with crazy rewrites of American history and pseudoscience to indoctrinate kids with your ass-backwards worldview, and…

*stops to consider the ramifications*

So my choices are keep my girlfriend happy and risk throat cancer or stay healthy and leave her unsatisfied.

If it means putting a smile on her face, then cancer is a small price to pay and it'll be TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Merida is an awesome character and a much-needed change in the stereotypical Disney princess image. She's clever, capable, self-reliant, and courageous- a role model for girls and young women everywhere. This redesign is not only stupid, it's pointless. But I guess that doesn't matter when the House of Mouse needs to…

Simon Cowell is the LAST person to be talking to anyone about how they look. I mean, what the hell does he use to get that lopsided brillo pad of a haircut, a WEED-WACKER after 10 shots of tequila?!