I was doing “work experience” when they played their only Kenyan gig! My sixteenth birthday fell close to the date, so my bosses rostered me and a nominated “helper” (my boyfriend, who was my ride home) to work that night.

How very dare you! Vlad would never! That’s what he has “aides” for.

Vlad is a black belt judoka*. Mango Mussolini is... not.

Do you have any idea how badly you have to fuck up to get a second class degree in Classics from Oxford? Given that you’re more or less fluent in Latin and Ancient Greek to get admitted, you have to fail most of your assignments/exams and never turn up to tutorials. Bozo has admitted as much.

Don’t you tease me like that! I had folding money on Bozo the Clown not being Tory leader.

She’s got a wealthy British fiancé and the British version of Turning Point lined up to continue to spread her poison. 

She might just be doing it for funsies. Her fiancé is a wealthy chinless Brit, so there is a strong possibility that she might be venturing to my patch eventually.

Are the Fox News higher-ups still at their Tuscan villas? Is that why they haven’t settled on a spin narrative for this latest scandal yet?

We Kenyans have got our hands full trying to monitor and mediate the Brexit situation (we’d hate for the UK to be kicked out of the Commonwealth for anti-democratic activity). Maybe you guys can ask one of your South American friends to help out?

Actually, Boris admitted that he wrote two columns for the Torygraph on the eve of the referendum: one for remain, one for leave. He only made up his mind at the last minute. Probably on the strength of his previous columns for them when he’d been their EU correspondent and had made shit up because he thought it would…

Why sad? Should Melania ever need to skip the country, it seems like he’ll have the language skills necessary to quickly adapt to life in Slovenia.

Donors have no financial obligation, but I know that when donor anonymity was abolished in the UK, donations went through the floor. The country is currently importing a lot of sperm from Denmark.

Your crystal ball needs recalibrating.

Heroes don’t slaughter their own people.

Are you sure you read the Fail? Because the competition for racist-in-chief amongst its columnist is pretty fierce. Morgan earned the “Moron” moniker after many years of wankery, dating back to his time editing the Mirror. I didn’t give him the title, it was bestowed on him by Private Eye.

This is the wrong take. Speaking as someone who’s grandfather was locked up by the British during the independence struggle.

Geordie Grieg is EIC of the Fail. Moron is merely a columnist.

Hell, I’ve been known to do a sortie to the 24/7 off-licence in my neighbourhood at 3am in the morning (for smokes and chocolate) with less care than I take catching the Tube at rush hour. Regardless of what the hysterics on my local NextDoor forum say, the only time I’ve felt threatened is when some wrong’un followed…

This is more like Black Girl Tragic.

Calling an election now is a trap, and could very well lead to BoJo being returned with a bigger majority. Corbyn has said that he’ll support calling a general election once no-deal Brexit is off the table.