I’m proud to say that my lifelong value system means no lying, cheating or stealing. When I’m in a WalMart, though, my policy is to take whatever shit fits in my pockets.

Forty years ago the Republicans claimed they stood entirely for small government. Then they specifically enlarged it by outlawing the marriages of certain people (i.e., interracial and same sex couples). I realized then and there that they were stupid or liars or both.

If “beautiful romance” = “hook up” in your head we won’t be going out any time soon.

It is wrong to not allow something because it might spark violence — that could silence legitimate speech. If you don’t allow idiot Republicans to speak because leftists might riot, then you can’t allow leftists to speak because idiot Republicans might riot. UC Berkeley has been a political center for fifty years: is…

> I’m just sitting here on the beach

For the humor to work you probably should have led with the fact this is a cross between a croissant and a tortilla. But I’ll have two al pastor and one foie gras.

> Caitlyn Jenner says she’s drifted away

Because she’s teaching her children not to believe in love?

I had horrible parents and my siblings had to fight to live. While we were a family I always said once I got out I’d never see any of them again. Then I got out, then I forgave my siblings for what they had to do to survive.

> In the sequel, everyone’s favorite

I’ve had rough years but I didn’t start going to strip clubs. If a man is a fan of strip clubs, his wife has to be either a saint, an idiot or a gold-digger.

This grammar nazi is confused about why anyone would say “with a person THAT.” Correct usage of the word “who” is pretty much the opposite of rocket science.

This article isn’t exactly scientific. There’s no way to conjecture about somebody’s Sunday schedule without knowing when brunch starts.

Hmm. When I watch Woody Allen movies I just can’t shut off the part of my brain that says, “You realize all the males are smart, funny and handsome and the females are really stupid hookers?”

She’s partnering with the folks at Etsy to reenact the Kennedy assassination.

I’m old. Please clarify to your parents that they’re sad and stupid.

The woman who was hit is the nuisance rather then the dude who did the hitting. Wild guess: men wrote this law?

No, you just complicated things. How does she stop you from dancing? If “Hungry Like The Wolf” comes on Spotify does she run over and grab your feet? And how does she keep you from seeing her ankles? (This matter puzzles me inordinately considering it can be answered by the word “socks.”)

Here’s a short list of other useless, time-wasting multitasking: lifting weights while you put on deodorant, doing yoga while you jog, and stir-frying eggplant while you’re on the toilet.

I’m vacillatingover two snap judgments: either Mrs. McDonut is secretly ashamed of you or she tells you to your face.