I’m going to go out on a limb here and say none of this is true. “Christian Louboton”? Do you also like Channel and Louise Vitton?

The very last thing a cognitive earth dweller will say is, “I hope you enjoy my antics.”

Hip hop isn’t American until Macklemore sings it.

Good piece but the headline is so misleading! There was absolutely nothing about Sting anywhere.

From the parade route, the Girl Scouts will be marched straight into a Miss Universe training hall where they will be taught how to wear stiletto heels with bikinis and a female-centric talent like interpretive dance, opera singing or the hula hoop.

Great piece, but my new purpose in life is to find those souvlaki fries. Help!

I’m relatively certain Trader Joe’s check-out clerks are told to ask you if you found everything you were looking for. If you say yes, they’re happy. If you say no, you have to stand there and wait ten minutes while they confirm that they are actually out of turkey-and-stuffing flavored potato chips.

Movie superheroes are white because movie producers kmow bigots won’t go see black superhero movies. Everyone who pays to see a white superhero movie is saying. “I’m cool with that.”

Don’t do it. I’m currently in a long distance relationship and it’s bliss maybe a month a year but an annoying sexless drag the rest of the time. Texting a relationship sucks. More photos of him having fun? Oh, whee.

Uh, anybody else seeing a Target ad in the middle of the article offering a recipe for “Watermelon Pizza”?

I emailed ex-Ethicist Randy Cohen about an essay contest sponsored by a sector of the government. I’ve seen many essay contests won with hetero “How I Met My Wife” stories but no gay “How I Met My Partner” stories so I made up a hetero story and won $500. I asked Randy if this was ethical, and what to do about…

Okay, she’s incredibly smart for someone offering Americans incredibly stupid TV. What’s next, Stephen Hawking produces a reboot of Small Wonder?

Now I’ve seen it all. High-fallutin’ white people playing air lute.

The picture confuses me. Are farts only flammable with hairy guys? And you have to take your shirt and pants off for them to get out, but they can shoot through underwear just fine?

And a happy thanksgiving to you! From Eunice Whitepeopleareracistandstupid.

You mean aside from the fact this was immediately after the marathon so he was wearing shorts, a tank top, and a giant number on his chest?

Too long, don’t care. But somebody’s being intentionally antagonistic by headlining this with “actual” rather than “realistic” rape, right?

Thank God I don’t have to sink that low. I’m pretty sure my offer of $6,500 a month for a one-bedroom flat that’s part of the Tenement Museum will be accepted this afternoon.

Rihanna has honor like a ferret has shoulders.

Anybody want to rationalize how feminists can appreciate of trophy wives who do nothing but shop and throw drinks at each other?