I love dragging out the Duck Dynasty before photos:

Strangely, more than two thirds of plastic surgery patients are unhappy with the result, but you'd never know as they all permanently look pleasantly surprised.

Come play with us, Mommy.

Aww. I'm at 9 days postpartum, sitting on one corner of the bed because I spilled breastmilk all over the baby and the other side of the bed not once but twice in the past hour, watching my husband do skin-to-skin cuddles at the foot of the bed to try to air out lil'cupcake's diaper rash, and this gave me all the…

My brothers and I always knew not to linger anywhere near our parents' room on nights where my dad asked my mom if he she needed a "back rub". Blech.

That was kind of funny until it turned into an advertisement at the end, so fuck you, precocious kids my kids are way cuter than all of you.

Exceeding six words results in immediate

Time traveller wanted: subsequent experience essential

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark by Monkey 1,775,576,678,952

UNIVERSE-v1.0: RECOVERABLE ERROR. Attempt recovery?
> NO

The sky fell, revealing stage lights.

"... there is nothing that can possibly justify banning a piece of literature."

this is the most glamorous picture of someone drinking urine i've ever seen.

I've never heard of an allergic reaction flaring up again after it was disposed of. Why do celebrities always have weird medical issues? Is it just code for drug problem?

This is like the time my friends Portia Birthabortion and Gabe Oyscouttroopleader were excommunicated from the Baptist church.

I was riding the MUNI to work, just before the morning rush hour. A disheveled looking gentleman hopped onto the car as the doors were closing, and proceeded to stuff both his hands into his pants and begin rummaging around.

Once the doors were closed and the train had begun moving, he started to hurl the contents of…

Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke, who is a real doctor at The Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute specializing in eating disorders and body image issues

...Is this a joke.