Flying on a plane with your period is just irresponsible. You want to attract flying bears? Because that’s how you attract flying bears.

“Failing that, maybe verbally abusive people throwing adult tantrums in the aisles should be removed from the plane?”

I think the audience that doesn't want to see it is probably the best audience to present it to.

But my therapist said my wake-and-bake habit was really destructive.

One time when I was outside of a Cheesecake Factory smoking a cigarette a man propositioned me thinking I was a hooker.

Gloria in excelsis Erin Gloria

That would be Jezebel managing editor Erin Gloria Ryan [hail]

Alternate title: “How a cocaine fund saved my marriage.”

Not sure how saving money for cocaine will help my relationship, but I’m willing to give it a shot.

Alternative: Buy a tux and then wear it at every vaguely appropriate opportunity.

I'd like to say that I'm boycotting their restaurants because of this, but I've already been boycotting them for many many years because their food sucks.

Just sell it on Craigslist for cash at a discount.

Breadstix R Us

I didn't know you like to get wet.

Oh please expand on cutting weed down with other drugs. I am dying to hear this.

Is life really this grim? This joyless? Is private voting in a democracy an experiment destined to collapse upon itself like a dying star because human nature is bleak, dark and angry?

The American Suit is very fucking ugly.

It hides his control panel and/or his lizard neck

"really sex positive, except for the whole necrophilia thing" is maybe my favorite quote ever.